A Public School Mom

   Public school was not my first choice for Leah. I home school Sharon. I wanted to do the same for Leah. However, the circumstances in the house indicated it was not going to happen. Both have issues. Sharon thrives without people distraction. Leah on the other hand, can't stay focused because of the environment. She might hear quiet noises that are a distraction. Cars going by are a distraction. I had tried  to keep her focused while doing 4k with her. It took nearly 3 or 4 hours to get a sheet done. It would be fine if she was the only student to occupy my time. In the school she can work at the same pace as the rest of the students. She sees what they are doing and does it. It was one of those bittersweet ordeals. I could see her progressing in an environment I did not want her in. However, my feeling do not matter. What matters is what is best for Leah.
  In entering the arena of public school it is no different then home schooling. She is still my responsibility. Her education is ultimately my responsibility. The behavior she exhibits is on me. It is not up to the teachers to be the parents. The teachers can't do their job unless I'm in excellent communication with them. Also blaming them for a bad day does not help either. I have to get to the bottom of it. I have to figure out why she had a bad day. Yes it is my responsibility to help her have a better one. I am the parent. If the situation is not working: simple fix it. I have several times we had to go back to the drawing board to help Leah in school. Each time it wasn't placing blame. That is useless. It was finding a workable solution. So far we are succeeding.
   The one thing that has been a constant in my life is letting go. I have always wanted to draw a line. I want to keep my eye on Leah all the time. I want to hover over her like a cloud on a rainy day. I am sure most parents have this feeling. However, Leah is flighty, running away from me several times. I think to myself in this thought process, am I trusting in Christ. Am I fully secure in His sovereign Grace? The answer of course is No. I can't say I trust in Christ, then turn around using a statement starting with...I don't trust. What I'm actually not trusting in? Christ. I use this statement a lot. About a number of things. I have to step back and think how dangerous that statement actually is: I don't trust. 
   I know that trust issues when it comes to our children. The first thing we should fear is not a public school. It is that heart of theirs. That is the biggest danger. Like anything else we have to equip our children. We can't expect somebody other than ourselves to drive home certain things. Education that is being done in a school is a partnership. The parenting is on the parent. It is not a partnership. These two often get mixed up by both school and parent. That is where failure comes: simple fix it. It starts with parents.
    It also starts with me to let go of my ideas for her. It is up to me to look at what is helping her. If my special needs child is not progressing it needs to be fixed. It needs to be fixed now. If that means doing exactly what I don't want to, so be it. Sometimes that means(this is going to be a shocker) trusting the Lord to provide the help needed.

A Loaded Gun

      I have had a migraine for five days now. I am not very good with the patience. I don't feel good(understatement), I want things to go right. However, in my life that just doesn't happen. My kids have their own issues. Those don't necessarily take a break when I don't feel well. Things have to get done. To tell you the truth I don't have time for one of these headaches. It is one of those where it is nearly impossible to function too. It isn't the pain. I could totally handle that. Sometimes you get a migraine and it is just searing pain. I am fine with that. It is the nausea and my brain doing deep sea diving that is the problem. I can't think straight. I can't even walk very well by the end of the day.
    This can be slightly irritating. All you want to do is get something done. Anything. You are unable. You still very much have the desire. The things you have to do get done, of course. Kid gets to school. The other one gets schooled. They get to their appropriate places. These things when I feel like this takes every bit of concentration I have. I'm exhausted by the end of the day. My body trying to fight the assault on it as well as me trying to go full speed. Life just doesn't stop. It doesn't say "Oh, Kandi has a migraine lets slow down". I have to be able to suck it up and keep going.
    Today for instance: I wake up hopeful. Same fog in my head. Deep breathe we will get through today. Thursday is a busy day usually. I have to take Leah to school. Cram as much in the little window for Sharon before she goes to her therapy clinic. Leah is NOT a morning person. It takes at least 20 minutes dealing with bad behavior before getting stuff done. I plan for that. Sharon is better. Although sluggish gets going. I get Leah to school. I go past all the looks of "you forgot to drop your child off" as I start home with Sharon. We get home. Sharon gets very anxious to start her school. So I try and get that going as soon as possible. We usually do pretty good. She is into obsessing over snack for 2 hours. It eats a lot of time. I decided no snack today. At the end she settles down. She becomes the sweetest Sharon when she is not obsessing. We set off for the clinic. She likes the car rides. She can listen to music. Nobody is happier than Sharon listening to music. Nobody. It does me good today. Sharon gets dropped off. I have no kids. I can go home and take medicine. Although, I needed to eat. It gets far worse on an empty stomach. It feels like I have an empty stomach all day even when I am full with this headache. It really is bad when I need to eat.
    I get done eating. I get yet another coffee. I ask for an extra shot of expresso in it. She said to me as a warning"It has 3 shots in it already" I know lady! I am thinking. I told her I have a headache. Off with my 4 shots of expresso. I will have a few moments of clarity driving home. I go to get my prescription. I thought that I got an email saying it was ready. It is an injectable. It is not an everyday prescription. It, was, not, there. I did not get a call saying that they didn't have it in stock or anything. This is where I'm about to lose it. They call the other Pharmacy in Madison who has it. I go outside give myself a couple of minutes to lose it. I realize I have only about 45 minutes to pick Leah up. I run to the house to take an Imitrex. On the way the Madison Pharmacy calls, the insurance doesn't cover it. I, don't, care. How much? It is $10 more. I DON'T CARE. I would pay $1000. Still cheaper than ER. I told him as much on the phone. I apologized of course. I was desperate. I took the Imitrex then off to Madison. I finally got Toradol.
    I rush to go pick up Leah. She is tired. School wears her out. That works for me, We will both take a nap. I will put her down then take my medicine, hit the pillow. Of course, Leah has all types of questions about the medicine I am going to take. She is quite concerned that I would want to give myself a shot. I explained to her it was the only way to feel better. I would rather do that and feel better. I have every trick up my sleeve for migraines. Having them since 11, I know what I can do naturally, medically to help one. When one is like this you have only one choice. That is to throw the book at it. I took the Imitrex and I am going to follow it up with the Toradol. I like to call this a chaser. It is a bar term but it applies.
    I was able to get Leah down. I took the Toradol. I slept a little while. On the way to get Sharon the fog started lifting from my head. I still have the pain. I am not in a fog. Praise the Lord. I wanted to explain that even though migraines are crippling, God is there. He was there on Monday when the teacher graciously helped us out. He has been there when I was driving back in forth with this headache. He was there in my husband's kindness and understanding devotion. Even though I have to go through it I'm not alone. I might feel alone, desperate. I might panic slightly. In the back of my mind is always the reminder: My Grace is sufficient.
     Migraines are a loaded gun to insanity. I'm really not joking about that. When I have one I do not have very good logical sense. I'm in pain. I feel like I am drowning under water. Panic seeps in at some point. A loaded gun just sits waiting for a trigger puller. Alone I would have pulled the trigger over and over. It is Grace from God that keeps the safety on.

Connecting with Sharon

     Our lives are spent trying to make a connection. We try to connect with our parents. We try to connect with our friends. Eventually we try to make a connection with a spouse. As parents you try to connect with the children. All of this is the desire put in us to connect with God the Father. What if that ability to make the connection was impaired? Believe me the desire is still there but what happens?
     It makes things very difficult. Anytime you try to do something and you're unsuccessful it is frustrating. This is something that was made in all of us. When a person has that inability it feels as if they do not have the desire. I am going to tell you something very important. They have the same desire as you. What comes as a natural reaction to most takes careful taught for others. It takes patience. The walls that we have built needs to shed. This can be very difficult for people. It is hard work. Look on the other side of that at the person who wants to connect. It is nearly impossible but they climb that wall. Their careful slow crawl up that wall prompts us to work all the more.
    This is my observation. I have had issues communicating with Sharon. I have always been able to connect with her. She has always felt connected with me.  I have seen her struggle to connect with her father, sister and others. It is difficult. She is very uniquely gifted at changing based on her "co-connector" (I'm going to patent that). What works for me to connect with Sharon does not work for my husband. It does not work for the therapists. Vice Versa, I would love to have the ability to have Sharon jump up when I asked her. My husband and one therapist can do that. She doesn't want them close so she will do what they ask. She wants me close ergo, I don't get the most cooperative Sharon.
     I get all of Sharon. She gives me all of her anger, mad, happiness and love. She has for seven years now. It was I who could stop a 45 cry with a simple song. Like a light switch she would calm down.  I was the one that she goes to when she is sick, uncertain and sad. It took me while to figure out that I was blessed with this connection with Sharon. It is hard when she was two and I couldn't put her down when she had a cold. It was hard when I have to go somewhere and she looks at me like I'm tearing her heart out.  There are the times when she is overjoyed to see me. She gives me her best hugs and asks me to cuddle. There is not one minute that I take that for granted. This is something she can't do with anyone else. It can be overwhelming to think I'm the one she trusts with everything. I work very hard to earn and keep that trust.
     In this trust I have to find a way to draw her away from me. As every other child learns to do naturally, she again has to be taught. She has to be taught to let Mama go and do things on her own. It is very hard for a parent to say, "It's okay you don't need Mama.". It is the truth. She very much still thinks she needs me for things that she can do herself. It does not come natural to the parent to actually push the child away. It is important that this process happens. Luckily for me I want to push her right to Christ. She can depend on Christ when she does not have it in her. When she says I can't I can say God can.
     It is Sharon's 7th Birthday. She has made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. I'm proud of my little girl. She works very hard to be successful. She has touched so many people with her addicting joy. She enjoys life more than anyone I know(except her sister). It is a toss up who loves life more her or her sister.
She may not connect with someone right away. When she does it is truly a blessing to the co-connector. It has been said "There is nothing like a Sharon hug." I have to agree. There is nothing more honest and raw. She gives her all in her hugs. In that moment you are connected to Sharon.
       Happy Birthday my sweet Darling.

Inverted Grace

    I have something called migraines. Since I was 11 years old, I have consistently had them. When I was younger it came with a lot of nausea. As I got older my body got use to the assault on its system. I rarely physically got sick. The pain was still there. I had been told at 11 that my family history caused them. My grandmother had them, much like mine. My Mom's are not as bad but there. It was ingrained into my genetics. As a kid who is told that it can be very hard. Many times I did not want to go on. Knowing that I would deal with them the rest of my life. When you have nothing that helps take the pain away it is very difficult to see the other side of that. Even now a bad one is hard. You begin to search desperately for anything to get rid of it. That thorn that is in your side. It is consistently there, reminding you that you're broken. I have had people tell me to try this, do this and they will go away. Migraines are brought on sometimes by environmental reasons. However, the reason I have migraines is because I was designed to have them. That is what I said I was designed to have that particular struggle. I realize that is a bold statement. However, I have paperwork proving it. I have what is called an inverted chromosome on 11. Did that surprise me? No.
   What is an inverted chromosome did you say? Good question. Well a chromosome is a pattern of information like this: ABCABCABC. When you have an inverted chromosome it goes something like this: ABCCBAABC. Inverted. The geneticists haven't quite figured out what all that means. They have figured out that it can cause deletions and additions in the genetic code. With the research I have done it happens about 4% of the time. Biologically if it were half and half it should happen 100% of the time. I am sorry but God doesn't work that way. That is the missing piece that the geneticists don't have. The design element. It so happened that my girls had a deletion and an addition. That was something that was interesting to the geneticist as well. Again it is a design, not a biological issue.
  Now back to the subject at hand. How can we quite possibly think that we would be designed to be flawed? It was Paul the Apostle who wrote in 2cor12:7-9 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelation, for this reason, to keep me for exalting myself, there was give me a thorn of the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me-to keep me from exalting myself!8. Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.9.And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast in my weaknesses, so the power of Christ may dwell in me.
   Paul goes on to say in verse 10 that when he is weak he is strong. It is very different the view Paul had about his weaknesses that the world has. He wanted it gone. However, when he found the purpose of the weakness he rejoiced in it. We can presume that Paul did what he could to find comfort. As he had told Timothy to drink wine to help with his stomach.The point here is that after realizing the purpose he was able to let it go.
   I am not in a consistent search for a cure for my migraines. For me there is none. I have had 8-12 a month before. Now, Praise the Lord I get 1-2 a month. I am prepared for that day it will increase. It is easier for me to just let go of the anger of having them then be angry on top of getting migraines. I'm not going to make myself uncomfortable avoiding things because it might cause a migraine. This life causes me migraines. I know the things that for sure that give me migraines so I do avoid those things. I'm not going to continue to cut things out to make it better. As far as I'm concerned this is as good as I will be.
   The same goes for my children. I know their struggles. I know that it is genetically given to them. I do not have to go around trying to find the one thing that is going to make them better. I rejoice in having that knowledge. It is not to say that they are not going to get the help they need. I will parent them to the very best of my ability. I will not make them uncomfortable trying to stifle their weaknesses that will never go away. Like myself I have to do certain things to maintain their health differently. That being said it is my job as a parent for them to understand what Paul understood. That when they are weak then they are strong, the more Christ can abound in them.
   As I said I rejoice in my inverted Grace. All the better for me to say when I'm successful it is not me it is Christ.(The best part of having a genetic defect is blaming that when you do something wrong, I'm just joking) If you have a thorn it is to your advantage. It can be the staircase to Christ or it can be the ultimate tripper. I hope you use it wisely. I hope that you don't hold a worldly view of it. It is not a bad thing. I pray everyday that, yes thy grace is sufficient.

The weakest vessel

   When I look at an old car that is just not worth putting money in my advice is not to. However, I feel like I am that old car. Constantly having to be maintained. More and more things are going wrong. I have time and time again given up on this vessel. If were up to anybody less than Christ they would say it is not worth it. I certainly have felt that way and it is my own body! Christ, however, takes the weakest vessels making them into great ships!
    So many times we heard of stories of premies. This child is not going to make it. It is too weak. The doctor is 100% it will not survive. It not only survives but thrives. A child in the womb is not fairing very well again doctor says no way it will go full term. The parents have faith that it will survive against the doctors biding to not continue on with the pregnancy. They are rewarded with a healthy baby. Even in the tiniest of vessels Christ can be glorified.
    It is a scary diagnosis: Autism. You can get a wide range of answers from the professionals. It would be said they won't be able to talk, socialize, function as a normal human being. That was said of the likes of Temple Grandin. She now is a doctor in science and authored several books. Several people with autism can't talk but can sing better than most. Rather than talk some can communicate extremely well. A lot of the times we think of people with autism as very weak vessels. However, they handle a severe amount of workload. I look at my daughter in awe. Hoping than one day He will make me into half of what she is. She is a workhorse and keeps trucking.
   In my own experience I have been placed tasks in my life that I thought I could never accomplish. I have been through some pretty tough situations. I have a schedule that is overbearing. I keep adding to it. It isn't that it is not hard. It is very difficult. I get frustrated. I get mad. I can have a short fuse. I can also laugh about it later. I will compare myself to a boat now(I love things with engines). You see this boat out in the water it has holes all around the side of it. You're thinking: What is holding that boat up? Some scientific reason no doubt. The holes are placed just so that it can stay up. I am the boat. Plaster, wood, and other worldly things would certainly hold the boat up temporarily. What happens when more holes spring up and more. That is what happens in everyday life. I keep springing up a leak. I don't use worldly things to fill that hole. I depend on Christ's love to fill it. It is an eternal fix that is everlasting. I need a permanent fix.
    People ask me why I believe. It really isn't a decision I have made. I am the weakest vessel, who is still afloat. It is not of my own accord. It is a truth not a belief at that point.

Drink of it

    I have always enjoyed life. I have always for the most part been happy. I have always had a lot of suffering. I have had brutal migraines since I was 11. I mean in and out of ER, migraines. I have had knee trouble since before high school even. When things kept piling up I was all the more determined to live my life. However, it was out of anger I did so. I did it to beat the things that were causing my suffering. Looking back that mindset was silly.
   I still have quite a bit of struggles. I will for the rest of my life. It is now that I rejoice in them. It isn't that I love to suffer. I just have trust that Jesus Christ is all sufficient. That whatever path that my life takes it is one that He has already seen. He already knows the rocks, the bumps, even the smooth portions of that road. I could always say I took a wrong turn. I should of went down that path. Jesus is all sufficient, however. He isn't up there thinking"Oh, no she wasn't suppose to go that way". He knows every move I have made. He knows my every struggle, fear, doubt. and He knows this world.
   As a parent it is very difficult to think as Jesus as the all sufficient isn't it? It is easier to watch our childrens' every move. Make sure they get the best that this world has to offer. Wait?!? This world really doesn't offer much except the promise of suffering and death. If we depend on filtering what parts of the world our children are exposed to it will result in what?  Our children will have some suffering and they will have a physical death. This world was made for us by God. It is certainly a place of wonder. It, however, does not secure our children. It is the work of Christ that secures them. The all sufficient Christ.
  Obviously, I'm not going to take my kids skydiving anytime soon. We were put in place as a overseer of our children. It does not mean we go overboard on some of these things. As parents we go overboard quite often. We decide that something that is completely sufficient to eat is not good enough. We decide that they shouldn't play with certain things that don't harm anybody. We decide that the doctor just doesn't know what they are talking about. We worry too. Where is Christ in all of that?
  We have decided He is not sufficient enough. We have decided that our kids will only make it in this world because of us. We are sadly mistaken. I can't say what if I did something this way. Christ already had my life planned out. Just like He has my childrens' lives planned out. In their struggles He will do His work. Like He has done with my life. It is so hard for a parent to say "here is my child".
   We say the glass is half full or half empty. It really doesn't matter. God can make a drop seem like an ocean. While we stifle His all sufficient work on the cross we thirst. Let Him provide that ocean of water. Let Him be the all sufficient that He is suppose to be. Drink of it.

My Responsibility part 2

   I had posted previously about a scary situation with Leah. About having to make a hard decision. I also feel that it is also my responsibility to help you understand not only the struggles but also the joy. The struggles are there but our lives are joyous. If you met Leah you have met the definition of joyous.
  Leah is unique. Of course I'm her mother making me slightly bias. However, I have never met somebody so happy. Somebody that got so excited about life. It spills out of her splashing on whoever she is with. I don't wish for a different child. I have the best children. I would not change them at all. Part of what makes them who they are is there conditions. Anything we deal with in life molds us.
   Sharon also is somebody who is excited about life. Sharon a lot of people do not know is very much a people lover. She loves, loves animals. She loves music. She loves to cuddle. She is able to tell you when she LOVES something. With the up most sincerity. Which can be often in a day. She has always been attached to me. I'm her comforter.
   I thought about how I could relate on how beautiful my children are. They are extremely beautiful. If I could bottle it up I would. Lord knows we need it. Obviously because they are here. Pun intended. I think about a high end car. Usually I have someone that comes in that realizes that their car that they purchase is expensive. I politely tell it is a such and such, what did you expect? They tell me that it is not worth it. Yes, it is I say. You have a very complicated vehicle. However, it makes you want to drives versus dreading it.
   Cars aren't your scene? I gotcha. Take for example you have Michelangelo creating the Creation of Adam. He did that on a ceiling. That was not easy. He was probably thinking Ah, no thank you. He wasn't thinking about that. He thought about the beauty that would transpire. It would be a struggle but it was worth it in the end. Centuries later people still enjoy that beauty.
   I know what my struggles are. I know what my children face. They are still beautiful. They are worth every once of worry. Every late night cramming as to what to do to handle the situation. I pray not that they are better. That I am better for them. I am so blessed to have these children. I can see the beauty even in the struggle. Sometimes the struggle is even beautiful. Because we know we are battling to get somewhere. One day we will see the beauty of a well thought out painting that God but together.

My Responsibility

   The last couple of weeks have been rather difficult. We had a schedule change. We had Leah get out of school. Any child can have difficulties adjusting. However, when you add sensory issues with autism and ADHD to the mix you might be opening a can. That is just what I did. Not that we had a choice in the matter. Life changes and we have to deal with it. Sometimes we need help. Sharon is getting therapy for that purpose. What about Leah?
   After going back in forth to the neuropsychologist and neurologist it was clear. We were either going to have to wait for her brain to mature  to control her impulses or medicate. I obviously wanted to wait. Who wants to medicate their 4yr old? Ah, no one(in their right mind). I was given ideas about what we can do to help Leah. Some things worked. Some things are hard for her to grasp. Leah has extreme impulse issues. Which requires someone to have an eye on her most of the day. So at what point do you decide to medicate a now 5 yr old?
   This answer is very simple. I have a responsibility to keep her safe. If I feel like I can no longer keep her safe it is time to medicate her. She runs out into a parking lot with no concern for her safety. This is not unusual because she has no concept of safety for herself. She is focused on her goal. Even when I had a shopping cart in between her and the parking lot. Even when I had my hand on her she managed to get 50yrds from me before I could catch her. What if? What if Sharon was there? Who has trouble in parking lots as well. Which one do I keep safe? I have made that choice several times. Usually I have gone after Leah. The Lord has protected my children from numerous situations that could have been bad.
  I have had Leah on a leash since that particular situation. She had tried to run from me again. She headed up on her back. However, Sharon was with me. So running after one child and leaving one child to run in the other direction not an option. We made it out the store with nobody seriously hurt. Going to the store with both as been quite an interesting experience of late. I have been told I'm multi-talented. I try and get what I need hopefully nobody gets hurt.
  I writing this for the purpose of letting people know it is not an easy decision. However, if it prevents the worst situation happening it is necessary. What if I'm too late? I can't go off my own reservations about medication and the right and wrong of it. I can't go off what I want to do. I have to do what is best for her. I have to ask that of myself. Am I really doing this for their benefit or for mine? Does it make their life better or mine. Certainly, it would make my life better in a sense. I am not thinking that. I thinking about what if a car hits her? What if she eats more brass fastners with 4 adults in the room who still couldn't keep it from her mouth. Luckily that didn't get swallowed. I trust in the Lord. I trust that this medicine was developed to help. I trust that He gives me the ability to make the right decision.
 It doesn't make it easy. It is just my responsibility.

Recipes for our Lives

   It is the end of April. I had been trying to get occupational therapy for Sharon. It has been nearly a year long journey. A fight that I continue to battle. We have no short of them as a family of a special needs child(ren). In doing so we had genetic testing done on Sharon. The results were expected. Genetically she is Autistic.
  Nearly everyone is born with two of each chromosome. Sharon's #11 is missing a half of one on a set. This contains 28 genes that help the brain do a variety of tasks. These are consistent with autism. This area is absolutely fascinating to me. Genes, Chromosomes, DNA this is what makes people individuals. If everybody had a genetic test done the results would be different. There might be the same traits here and there. However, there would not be an exact match. That was in God's plan.
  He has a recipe for each person. He has a plan for each person. This is what He had for Sharon. It was not a mistake. It was not something that the world created. When she was put together she had different ingredients. I was not saddened that she was missing these genes. Sharon was Sharon when she was born. I do not think that it makes her less. Like she is not whole. In all reality we all have something that is left out. Some of us have a little extra. I am absolutely fascinated by the workings of God.
   I do not deny that she has extra challenges. I would like to meet a person who does not have challenges. I believe that person does not exist or is lying to themselves. It is important what we do with the challenges that we face in this world. What are we going to do with them? If you try and get rid of one another one will pop up. This life is rough no doubt. We live in a fallen world that is filled with sin. As I stated previously this month the biggest challenge as parents is not the autism. It is not things in this world.  It is the sinful nature within their hearts.
  In this world She is Autistic and has a genetic defect. Pretty heavy labels are they not? Only God knows what He has for her. So far He has done so much in her life. He has done so much with her life. She is different. If God made the same recipe over and over again we would have a pretty boring place. That is why He made everybody special for His own Glory.

What Shall I fear? HELLO! Everything!

This is part 3 and (you're welcome)my final autism awareness post. I had said what shall I fear? in my last post. I also wrote "We wrap our kids in bubble wrap". I, my friends am no different. Hence, the use of the word we. I will tell you some of the things that I fear in this post.
  My house is like Fort Knox. If you haven't been to my house prior it will take at least 5-10 minutes to get out unassisted. Not that I want to hold people hostage. I want to keep my kids safe. They would have no problem going outside without me. My children are 6 and 4. This would not be a big deal if not for their many challenges. One being impulse control there is next to zero for both. Sharon is better she has certain guidelines she follows because that is a script. She loves scripts. Leah on the other hand lives for now. If it is not now we don't worry about it. I live by two busy roads. They could easy go out on the road. Sharon would stop look both ways, however, not when running. When running it is a free for all. Leah is into whatever she is into if it is across the street than she will go after it. She would not pay any mind to the cars or the danger of crossing the street. She is all about obtaining desired object. Sharon and Leah have no concept of their own safety. When you have that supervision is required at all times. Also Leah thinks every single person on the planet is "her" friend. Would not have any problem taking off with any one. Luckily, Sharon likes to run from people. Communication is even worse as one is extremely distracted. They both have issues with that. Also they both love water. Would not have no problem jumping into a body of water. I fear Sharon and Leah getting out by themselves.
  I do not like parking lots. I loath them. I nearly have an anxiety attack when I have to trek across one with Sharon and Leah. I had an instance where I had to go quite a ways to the car. I had things in my hands. I had a hold of both girls. We have a sticker they put there hand on until I get the door open. That day I had a problem. There was a puddle in the middle of the parking lot. Leah's hand did not stay on the sticker. She darted off to the middle of the parking lot. I had to leave Sharon whom loves water too to get Leah. Luckily Sharon stayed put. I fear parking lots.
  My biggest problem with Sharon is open spaces or fields. She starts running with no regard to reality. It makes it quite difficult to enjoy going to a park. If it is near a soccer field or an open field she is off and running. I would have to chase after her. Which leaves Leah the fearless alone on the equipment. Who would have no problem jumping of the very top with her small frame. Trying to keep them both in the actual park is a challenge. I fear parks.
  I get frustrated. Imagine waking up in the morning knowing that your day is not going to go right. That when you ask your child to get dressed they will shake their head at you. They run in the other direction. This mind you does not happen once a week, or every once in a while. It is everyday. You tell them to come to the table. You end up chasing someone down, again everyday. They hit you, push you, kick you and slap at you again everyday. Then it is breakfast time. The battle has just begun. I end up being very frustrated after a few hours. I don't like being frustrated like that.
 Now that I told you what I fear. I will tell you what I avoid out of these things. None. I go outside with Sharon and Leah knowing that it will be difficult to handle them. I have to take them in parking lots. If I plan on going to a store or anywhere else. We still go in open fields I just plan on getting exercise. I usually tell Leah to sit. Generally, I have enough time to grab Sharon and get back to Leah. I also can't avoid getting frustrated. When somebody is constantly doing the opposite of what you wanted them to do it happens. In general I fear the death of my children. That about sums it up.
  I can let my fears consume me. It can be the only thing I think about. However, I do not visit them often. It can be overwhelming thinking about every single thing. I am only using some examples to explain that yes I do have fears. I am not going to change my whole lifestyle based on the fear of death either. Quite frankly who is really in control? I have to ask that nearly everyday when my childrens' lives are in danger. Does not God have dominion of this world. Do I think anything is bigger than Him? Sometimes it is very difficult to answer no but that is the answer. Somethings are out of my control. It is time to pray. It does not do any good to constantly be upset when things that are politically not lining up. That this world is corrupt. I believe there was mention of that in a book somewhere. That is something that is always going to be there. What I can control is knowing that Christ has the final say in this world. I am going to keep my kids safe. That is what Christ would have me do. Christ would not have me obsess about that idea. I have to ask myself am I obsessing about what they are eating? Am I obsessing over a certain behavior? Am I obsessing over the fact that I was a good mother today? Most of  the time we do obsess don't we. The fact remains that Christ will be there. That when it is all said and done our children are His. We care for them but they are in His hands. Let us as parents think about that when we hold them back completely based on our fears.

Light on Leah's light

   Leah has ADHD. She also has sensory processing issues. We, however, were missing a key. Communication. We can't communicate to this child. We tried numerous ways to try to get her to understand something. It is to no progress. It is very frustrating to say the least. She is tired of trying to understand what we want. In her own way she was trying to communicate to us with bad behavior. We tried to discipline the bad behavior but again the communication was not getting through.
  I had been to the Neuropsychologist several times in the past. We decided to evaluate her for a proper diagnosis. Of course the ADHD, and sensory processing is apparent. The thing that we were looking for was the learning portion of it. What process is getting mixed up. We figured out that non-verbally Leah's language is great. She can identify pictures tell you what they are. She can put things in categories. However, when doing the verbal portion she was not able to perform the same tasks. We ask her the same questions without the pictures. Even though it was the same sequence of problem solving she was unable to answer. She came up with different things to say. She said she was all done doing the testing. It was very difficult for her. There was our problem. That was the key we were missing.
  Here is the puzzler that got us twisted up. Leah verbally is fine she can talk up a storm. Tell you exactly how she is feeling. Tell you what she wants. We noticed she has trouble finding labels for things. Where as  Sharon in all aspects, Leah just has verbal receptive problems. We know what it is like to have a kiddo that doesn't communicate very well. That wasn't Leah. So we got mixed up in the process too. She is having trouble with communicating just in a different aspect.
  So full circle here. You have a kid who has impulse control issues that also has trouble taking verbal cues. All we have been giving her is verbal cues. We have been wondering why we are so frustrated. Why does it seem like she doesn't get it. It is because she doesn't get it. Now I know where I'm going. I know what we can do from here. Leah is very intelligent. She has different needs than Sharon. Leah is also somebody who is very special in her own way. Even today a downs syndrome child came up to Leah today. She said hi to Leah, then said "Hug" and of course Leah never denies anyone a hug and they hugged. The mother was apologetic. I said we were fine with hugs. I love, love that about Leah. I love her happiness at just about anything. I wouldn't change her for the world. I want to help her be able to understand me better. I want to keep her safe. After all I'm a mother and that is what all mothers want.
  I'm just diving into the things that Leah needs. Much like the start of where Sharon was about three years ago I'm wet behind the ears. I am getting to know some things about her. Sharon and Leah are labeled as such and such. It just not define them. However, it helps us find their strengths to navigate this world better. I mean strengths. I am not going to go through their life saying they can't do this because of their label. They will not be able to do certain things that is just a fact. I will always be there to say you can do this and do it well.

Accepting Grace

   This would be the second part of "Grace to Accept Acceptance". We think of gifts as something pleasant. Something that is enjoyed. Not something that causes us pain or strife. However, grace from God works in many different ways. Grace is given. How it is given depends on the person.
   I had mentioned that Autism was a blessing in many ways in my previous post. I had also mentioned it was a struggle. A struggle can be a blessing. It has certainly got this household in gear. I don't know what exactly what I would be doing with my life if Sharon was not diagnosed. I certainly would not have met some of the most wonderful people. I would not just call up a State Legislatures office asking for things to change. Or get half, HALF the stuff that I do get done if it were not for Sharon. I communicate more efficiently that before. I also could look at myself at what I was doing that wasn't socially acceptable. Sharon's way of learning is straight coping. I have to make sure I am a decent example. One of the things to do that is to say I didn't do something right. I did not behave correctly I say( more often than I want to). And explain that nobody can do every right all the time. That is why we need Jesus. I need Jesus.
    Think about the times you were in pain. Think about a struggle that you have gone through. There was a positive in that. I guarantee you there is a positive. You might be so grieved that you cannot see it. That struggle leads you to draw closer to God or it can eat you. I had plenty of times were struggles ate me up. Plenty of pain that was overwhelming that I couldn't get past. It was only until I drew myself to Christ. That the cloud of grief was removed. I could grieve that my child has Autism. That she will not achieve some things that another child will not. Or I could choose by the Grace of God to see the positive side of it. I could see all of her strengths instead of her weaknesses. In doing that she will see herself as someone who is stronger. That life is something that is positive. That God made her especially for a purpose He already is fulfilling.
   Is Autism the worst thing that can happen? NO. I am very lucky that I have a bright young lady. She has taught me more about life than I could ever teach her. What is the biggest thing as a parent we need to worry about? The world it is so dangerous isn't? Needles, plastic, GMO, Gluten and etc. Sure we have allergies. We have reactions to things. I, myself, have gotten allergic reactions in summertime exercising. That is right after running in summer, straight to the ER. Scary isn't it? Not as scary as the sin that eats at my heart everyday. As much as we bubble wrap our kids. What happens when that sin starts to eat away at them? As parents we have to prepare for that struggle that is going to happen. It is not a maybe this will happen. They will struggle. They will suffer. This world isn't meant for anything less. As a parent that has child(ren) because both of mine have needs; I need to say do not fear. I need to say that with confidence. I need to say it boldly and truthfully. If I have Christ what shall I fear?

Grace to Accept Acceptance

It is April. A lot of families that have children with Autism are celebrating Autism Awareness month. Yes we celebrate our kids. We do it in different ways. We might just put a blue light out on our porch. Some might volunteer this month. Some are donating to different organizations for the month. Some are doing what I do which is try and describe their experiences of having this challenge or as I see a blessing. A blessing? Isn't Autism a disorder? Isn't it a struggle for your child and you everyday? Yes it is but in ways that some people can't fathom Autism blessed our household.
   It is hard for some people to accept that there might be some positives to struggles. That struggles make you a better person. Struggles get things done in this life. If we had it easy breezy there would be nothing getting done. It is when we are uncomfortable that we seek to change our outcome. The symptoms of Autism can create havoc in the house that is for sure. However, there are things that are so extraordinary about my daughter that it is easily looked past.
    My daughter is a cuddle muffin. She is different even in the spectrum. She loves to be cuddled and carried by me. She is 6 and getting quite big. Even though I still pick her up. She rests her head on my shoulder as she has done for 6 years. She remembers practically everything. She will use that to communicate in future conversations. She will use a line in a movie to answer a question correctly. She downloads conversations and stores them for when she needs to use them. She is her own best teacher. Once someone teaches her something she will take that and repeat it over and over until it is learned. Even though it is hard for her to answer a question directly she will find a way to answer it indirectly. She now can perform scenes out of movies she likes. She can do things extremely well or she struggles.
   My daughter is the best person to get a hug from. She is completely honest. COMPLETELY. She will tell you if she doesn't want to play with you. She will tell you when she likes you. She will get extremely excited to see a person she loves. She can be nervous around certain people. You will know that right away too. I would climb three mountains to see her smile. She touches everybody that she meets.
   I'm going to celebrate my daughter this month. Not that I  don't everyday. She has Autism. Autism does not have her. It IS a part of her. She is wired differently than I. That means even though she has struggles she might be able to do something a lot better than I can. She sees the world differently. Temple Grandin says "The world needs all kinds of minds" I couldn't agree more.

Watch Sharon perform a Sound of Music scene and see if it matches up!

Gaining Faith and losing 93 give or take

  I started around the 5th of Jan my journey of losing weight. A year later I'm about 93lbs or so down. I had planned on starting to lose weight months prior. What type of things I thought I might be able to eat. Getting to the Gym. Amazingly enough that was not the main part. It was gaining the faith that God was going to get me through it. That He was the only way I would be able to take on this task.
   This paragraph is perhaps for newcomer bare with me. Why would you say that God is the only way? Plenty of people lose weight and totally take all the credit. Easy. My biggest obstacle was and always is my migraines. When you have one you can hardly get anything accomplished. I would get up to 12 a month. Sometimes have them for a month at a time. You enter survival mode when you have one. The second obstacle was my knees. I at the time had five knee surgeries under my belt and just can't do anything at the gym. The third obstacle was my children having more needs than an average child. I couldn't just leave them with whomever whenever I felt like. The schedule due to the special needs that require therapy and going here and there. Getting stuff done was hard enough not to add on a even greater task. Than the final thing was I couldn't just chose a dieting program. I have issues with food and migraines. I had to make my own diet plan up. OH my word I almost forgot the Hypothyroid disease. Yes I have that and I had to get my thyroid level right in order to lose weight.
    Now you are probably saying why now? Why did you even bother with all the stuff that was happening. I felt like a didn't have a choice. One my knees were giving out faster with all the weight. Two my kids have impulse control issues. If they got away from me at a park or in a parking lot I was helpless at the weight I was. I had to chase down Leah in a parking lot just recently. I am faster than her. I would not be able to of caught up with her just a few months ago. That is what made it worth it. Also I had a break from my migraines where I didn't get them nearly as often. I knew it was time.
   People ask me how I did it. Physically a diet plan is this plain and simple: intake    Now on to the most important element. I had to understand before I started this who would be responsible for this. NOT ME. I had started and failed so many times before when it came to losing weight. I was a complete and udder failure in that department. I had thought about that too. I probably won't even lose ten pounds. It is a shocker that as somebody that is really quite dependent on Christ to get her through the day didn't think of Christ for this. Thought  I was all on my own. But we do that don't we.We got this I don't need any help.Then when something goes wrong who is to blame? That's right: God. But we didn't get out of His way. That is when things really get screwed up. So I decided I am going to lean on Christ. I am going to trust that He will be there when it is hard.When I can't get it figured out. When I want to give up. Just like every other thing in my life.
    I had troubles. I had pain. I had a lot of it. I had to get two knee surgeries in the mist of it. I had stress. My daughter was losing her therapy. It was a really bad time. I was losing control of that situation. My husband needed a new job. My other daughter we had to watch off hypoglycemia issues from earlier that we had no clue what caused it. It would have been easy to lose focus. To say I'm taking a break with everything going on. But I didn't believe that is what God wanted me to do. Because through it all I had a sense of peace. A little one during the whole therapy thing but nonetheless. I knew that I had to give it to God and keep moving.
    To end this, I want to say obviously I had to put somethings aside. My social life was none existent basically. I think my friends can vouch for that. I stopped watching any shows or getting into all of that. However, God was very much a focus in my life. I might of gotten a little too focused on what I was doing but there was a spot in the gym that I made sure I thanked God for all He had done and still does. And I have family to attend too they were second to God. If I can't get to the Gym because one of them needed something so be it. When I started homeschooling in the fall I worked my schedule around my family's not the other way around. If you have a goal that you want to obtain you can still obtain it while putting God and Family before it. If you can't than that goal is not worth it. God and family are worth more than anything else. Through Christ if it is what He wills you can achieve.