I need my Oz

 The color drains slowly from the world. She isn't speaking. She isn't eating. The most important thing she isn't smiling. Sharon is sick. The world becomes black and white. That's how much color she injected into it for me. 

  I realize this while I worry over my precious giant. My mood is dark. The usual chatter Sharon usually utters is gone. It's too quiet. There is no laughter at some random thing passing on the TV. Usually when she glances at me I get a bright smile. She has no energy. She gets like this when ever she is sick. However, it even after 15 years still a shock to the system. When she is down, she is completely down. Sensory overload to the point of shutdown.

  Just when I am at a moment of pure panic she is better. It happens like a light switch. She is up. Smiling, chattering and dancing at her show. The color returns to my world in technicolor. I am reminded of stepping into Oz. I realize I need it. Mostly I need Sharon to be fine. Sharon to be healthy. I realized that Sharon very much affects me. She is my E.T. to Elliot. 

  This might seem strange thing for a mother. I am not just her mother. I'm her caregiver. I make sure that all her needs are met. When I meet her needs as a caregiver it is difficult. As a mother I worry about the health. I am two people in one. 

   Although I am a caregiver to both my girls. Leah needs me in a different way. My even emotions help her stabilize hers. Both girls need me to help guide them in this world. Sharon and I intertwined in our daily routine. When something happens to Sharon, it surely happens to me. 

    How surprising I found it when she felt better, I immediately did too. She gave me her first bright smile I've seen a millions times. Yet, it was like the first time. What a blessing to feel a smile like a warm fire on a cold day. My Sharon colors my world. I wouldn't change that for anything. Praise be to God.

Joy

 One of our Bible study themes coming up is Joy. I haven't delved into from the perspective in a spiritual sense. The word grasped me. As I see a number of people getting ready for a new school year. We are as well. Sharon is starting her Freshman year. Time seems to march on. 

   I am happy for those who's children are getting ready for their next stage in life. Although, it is tough sometimes to show my happiness. Which might be miscommunicated. It's mixed emotions that special needs parents have. We are thrilled for other parents. While it sets us firmly back into a grieving process we don't like going into. I grieve for the things that Sharon will not accomplish. The things that I found joy in at her age. I have often dipped in this sadness. Sharon is not me. Sharon is meant for a different path. I pondered her in my sadness. I began to get jealous of her. As much as I in my normalcy, accomplished goals. I found great satisfaction in these things. I will never find the joy that Sharon does in a single note of music. 

   I will never stop in the middle of whatever I'm doing to dance in joy. Sharon finds it in everything. She was eating black beans and clapping happily. You can't help but be pulled in by it. Whatever state that you held, she will find your joy. 

  I am blessed in this to be certain. She chose me to be her person. Her rock in this world that is so confusing to her. I get all of her when she holds back from others. 

  This lead me to think about really what I have to grieve about. She will not be doing things that others will do. I think back to times when she struggled with simple tasks. Even in those times she worked hard to learn to do them. The joy that we shared when she accomplished that. It is not meant for her to live a life much like others. She is here to show me and I hope others how absolutely joyful life is. She wakes up everyday and rejoices in it. Truly rejoices and is glad. In this I have lost my sorrow and rejoice in the Grace of God. 

What's for Dinner?

 The last couple of weeks have brought some revaluations to me. We were studying things in a couple of bible studies. I realized that in my life I always tried to make an elaborate dinner. I had a big plan for it. However, God wanted my just to make the appetizer. Let me explain. 

I have two special needs children. I have been given charge over them. That is true. My experience as a parent is just that. I don't know what other parents experience, this is my normal. I do know from comments made that it is vastly different. This was the appetizer that God wanted me to work on. I have always thought really? A lot of people are parents and they are making the main dish. I totally got one I can do. Let me just get started on it and you will see. However, if I don't bring the appetizer who will? God specifically chose me for the appetizer. Could I do the main dish? Probably. Am I worldly equipped? Yes. God doesn't care. God cares about His plan. He gently will redirect me back on  the appetizer too. I've tried to make the main dish. However, I get placed firmly back into my roll. I am blessed to realize what I am to make. What His plan for me is. The determined flesh of mine must find peace with it as well. 

 God is with me when I am doing the appetizer. I go off to do the main dish I'm by myself. I realize that I'm not so great on my own. I skip off His path He is not going to follow. That would be silly. He is perfect and I am not. I'm stealing this line from a song. It just came to me: Little is much when God is in it. When He is not there will be hardly any impact. The thing that I realized that I can push mountains but if God isn't with me I wasted my time. Time here is valuable too. 

  We have plenty of examples of people who thought they should do something else with their time. Moses didn't think he was equipped to lead his people to freedom. God was always there to put him back on the path. Jonah didn't think he should go where God had sent him. That didn't work for Jonah. He still was very prideful. Saul who later became Paul thought that He was going to be the greatest teacher to the Jewish people. God sent him to preach to the Gentiles. Peter thought he was just a fisherman, but God had much more for him to do. 

  I thought I was going to be just a parent. I had plans and ideas about what that was going to look like. God had other ideas. It wasn't a mistake or a coincidence. It was a plan He put in place for me. He put it in place for my children as well. 

My peace comes from a parable found in Luke14:16-23. In this story a man prepares a great banquet. The servants are sent out to invite people. Nobody wants to come. So he says bring (that word is important rather than invite) the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame. The servants come back with them. He then sends them back out to the roads and country lanes to compel( again an urging or invitation) to come. My children are at this table. They have been brought. I better well work on that appetizer for them. I am also that servant getting them to the banquet. I realized that my job isn't as small as I thought. That I have a vital task. 

There are times in past I felt guilty. I should do more. I could do more. However, I haven't been tasked to do it. I take on tasks that God does not have for me, all suffer. My children, the person it was meant for and whom it was to impact. 

We do get sidetracked though sometimes. A lot of things in this world need to be fixed. God has a plan and a purpose for each and everything in this world. I often think to myself I can just step over here. Then the gentle reminder in my head tells me stick to the appetizer. After all it's the only thing my girls will probably eat. You see because God always provides, even for the picky eaters.