Recovering from trauma

 I have had to recover from many, many things in my life. I had multiple knee surgeries. I had to recover from migraines that lasted longer than a month. Those require a recovery period. However, I never quite found myself in the position I am now. I was close. The last knee surgery left me a broken mess. I must admit. It took a toll on me. It was a hard surgery to recover from. I had an injury that prolonged the process. It left me emotionally and physically exhausted. After I picked myself up I promptly lost 50lbs. As I had mentioned in my Mental Crisis Series we dealt with Leah diving into a valley. We spent a fair amount of time there. Then she managed to see her way out. I didn't realize it at the time. I was very much focused on her. A mother would focus on the child who was in crisis mode. I didn't come out with her. 

  I was very much having a hard time with myself when Leah came out of the hospital the 4th time. It was a long 5 months of her physically controlling or self harming her body. I had became desperate to try and help her. It took nearly 3 weeks for us to get her first hospital visit. A doctor that understood the problem that I was facing. The relief was temporary. She kept on for the next 4 months in this cycle. However, I had a solution. When we did have a very good plan in place after the last hospital visit Covid was in full swing. The lockdown was beginning. I was had a little bit of a realization that I haven't emotionally dealt with the things that had happened over then past few months. I began to deal with it. However, Leah began to mentally break down. I went into survival mode again. I started to focus on her. What could I do to help Leah? 

 In my previous series Mental Crisis I very much gave you the PG version. Leah deserved to be protected. I wanted to get the main point across. It was that other things happened in Covid other than Covid. Mental illness is no joke. It should be talked about. We should not make it a luxury medicine. However, I will tell that we had a seriously bad year. A year I would never like to revisit. I will have to have knee surgery again. I am totally fine with that. This however, I will do everything in my power to never revisit. 

Leah is much better. She is really happy. This has made me very happy. However, I realized upon her recovery that I still am unable to move. I still am stuck. I thought it was because she was in this crisis. I am in this mode of survivor. I don't think about it mind you. I hardly ever think about it. My mind won't even go there. It's like my mind has blocked it. This has left me rather confused as you can imagine. I don't think about the messed up year and a half. However, it left me paralyzed.

  When I say paralyzed I mean that in every since of the word. I have a hard time doing the simple of tasks. Getting ready for bed is torture. Thinking about trying to get up to do anything around the house might as well asking me to lift a Mack truck. Sleep is a rather difficult procedure too. I tend to do this in small clumps. The only thing I am able to manage is the girls. I make sure I take care of the therapies. I take them to what I need to. Make sure to have them ready for school. 

I am an ordinarily a very social person. I can't even think about reaching out to call or text someone. The though is almost terrifying. The funny thing is I don't know why. I feel as though no body likes me which logically is untrue. This may have to do with the things that were verbally thrown my way for months by a certain someone. Although I never really took it into account being she wasn't in her right mind. I feel guilty in the end. Guilty because I find I just can't. I can't motivate myself to do it. 

This is something new to me. Motivation has never been an issue for me. I have always had it. It's completely gone. Where did it go? I have no idea. I do know that something was wrong. Very wrong indeed. I talked to my doctor and realized that I was depressed or had depression. 

I didn't realize that my mental health was suffering because I had complete focus on Leah. I am not well. I still am struggling to do normal everyday things. I however am able to now find a little joy in things. I have wandered out of the house. That is the other thing. I had become an absolute hermit. I don't want to leave the house. So not me at all. I would only leave the house for therapies and such. I had left activities to Greg. Greg has been understanding. Greg like other times in my life has been doing the heavy lifting. He has taken the girls out every Saturday. He takes the girls to church when I can't seem to go. I have been Amazingly blessed with such a partner. 

The hard part is recognizing that one is in trouble. Now I have to climb out of the valley myself. I also have to make sure Leah doesn't fall back in. In the past couple of weeks I am starting to feel a little more motivated. I am going to be taking more steps to move forward. I want to start to socialize more. I however, feel this is the hardest part. This might be due to the situation I was in. I still am having a very hard time thinking about getting a hold of people. I have a hard time calling to make appointments or will do so at the last minute. I find this strange in the back of my mind. I want to get it done. I have to fight myself to do it. I now know how this feels. I knew from Leah's experience that it was very difficult. However, I have been immobile before. This is quick sand that relentlessly has kept me stuck. 

Recently we had a world mental health day. Although I did not post on that day it is good to recognize mental health. I feel it is something we are dealing with everyday. I am writing this after as a reminder for some we are dealing with it on the daily. It isn't a one day thing for us. Everyday it is a struggle. Some people will constantly struggle. Some people like me are recovering for a pretty bad time. 

I am assured in my faith that God will carry me through this. I also know that in this world we have to rely on things to help us with our physical body. It is a physical thing. Yes, it very much is a medically physical injury. A brain is a part of the body. In there lots of things happen. It can get injured in a way that needs to be repaired. The brain can be repaired in time, therapy or with medicine. Just like any other part of your body. However, this is the important part. This part of the body is the center. The main vocal point. Don't confuse it with the soul. It is a physical part of your body. Body and soul must be aligned in faith. However, We treat an unwell part of our body. Thus, must be done with the brain as well. I hope that is some of my posts you have a better understanding. Also that you can in fact be suffering from a mental issue and still be deeply rooted in Christ. Just as you can have a broken arm and be deeply rooted in Christ. Both are a physical injury just in different parts of the body. The display is different. However, we tend to treat one as a lack there of. Simply not the case. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Lessons Learned

 It seemed simple solution in the end. We put Leah in a controlled routine maybe she wouldn't have gone that deep. However, remember where we started. She was in the hospital prior to this whole thing. She was in the hospital for 5 days. She had a cyclic vomiting episode. She also was not toileting properly. She was very anxious about having to go back in the hospital. We were to. This was the beginning of quarantine. They were not really taking things in like that. Step one was to get over that. My main concern at this point was keep Leah out of hospital. Lazer focused on it. 

 The second part came when Leah became frustrated. Therapies weren't there. We couldn't go anywhere. She could only see us. Quite frankly she was sick of us. We zoomed some people but screen time just frustrated her even further. She wanted the real thing not a box. She started putting holes in my walls. We at this point made the first medication adjustment. 

  The third part was her sinking into a depression. This became months of telling me she had no desire to be on this planet. How dare I give birth to her. A lot of language of this sort. I had come to realize compartmentalize these thoughts. Some of them were from different parts of her. 

The fourth was really painstakingly getting her to recognize her emotions. We separated them into personalities because they are that big. Angry Leah, Sad Leah, Happy Leah etc. Now that her anxiety is down I can really see who I'm dealing with given any moment. When her anxiety is high she flutters too much. I have no idea. I only take communication from calm Leah. I only make decisions with Calm Leah. Leah has to invite Calm Leah to talk to me if she wants me to make decisions. 

 In between that time we had another medication adjustment. We had two safety issues that caused this change. Made it completely necessary to change what we were doing. This is the medicine she is now on. It has really helped her. 

   We had those things in place. She had a better understanding once I started the controlled routine. I used all of my language I had prepped her with before. Things fell into place do to the previous work that was established. 

 I had read a book on Borderline personality disorder. Called Get me out of Here. Leah doesn't have Borderline or bipolar. She probably somewhere in-between. However this book gave me some understanding in how I could help Leah. Also how Leah was feeling because the person was doing a lot of the same behaviors. Although she being an adult so some were different. I was able to implement strategies that the therapist was using on Leah. 

 I learned a lot during this process. I felt like in the end as I'm writing this what the purpose of the valley was. I came in the valley with not a clue as to who Leah was. I struggled with some of the things she did. Why she did them. People do things for a purpose. Especially autistic people. They generally have a logical purpose for a behavior. It is usually to communicate. I feel now I have a better understanding of Leah. I can tell you exactly what mood she is in . I can probably even be able to predict the movements in that mood. 

If it wasn't for the valley and this process maybe I wouldn't be here now. Maybe I still wouldn't know Leah. Thinking about that makes me feel awful. As hard and unbelievably scary as that valley was I'm thankful for it. Struggles teach us Lessons. Sometimes they teach us the hardest most important lessons. I'm on the other side of it. Leah will always be complex. In the end the valley was my place to find Leah. We had to go there.   Thanks be to God I truly understand who she is.

Mental Crisis a Series: Faith ends Fear

 The emotional roller coaster that we were all on was difficult. I spent a lot of time praying. Asking for direction where to go. As a mother, a human I certainly had fear. However, it was kept at bay. I know as a child of God that He has a plan and a purpose. His purpose for Leah is slowly coming together. 

  I kept thinking about footprints in the sand. A lot of the times I know that He was carrying us though this. I had to be strong for Leah. I am smart enough to realize it was bigger than I could handle. I would spent time by myself silently listening. Waiting for answers to pop into my head. 

 Often late at night this was the case. I had trouble sleeping. I would be up until early in the morning. This was mostly to not leave Leah too long alone. I would often take a short nap when Greg got home. 

  My mind was in chaos as well. It was scrambled. I was in survival mode. We had so many therapies we were doing. I was taking the girls here and there. One of the best things I did was just shut everything off. 

   I am a person who above all, leaves it in His hands. I can't control outside influences. Covid isn't in my control. Mental illness certainly isn't in my control. What I can control is my fear of it. I can let it eat my entire soul away. I can let it take my journey away.  However, God knows our beginning. God knows our end. He controls that. That is an absolute. I have a short time here. What can I do with it? I am going to be better at living. My Leah is a wonder. A complex beautiful creation that has been placed in my care. God had a plan in that. He had a plan in this valley we were in. 

The last stop is Lessons Learned. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Rising Up

 I called Leah out of her room. I told her exactly what was going to happen in the following weeks. I told her it was going to be hard. I wasn't going to give her an inch. I didn't. 

When my husband got home I informed him that I was going to be hard. I was a drill sergeant. I told Leah where to sit. Where to eat. When to move. Keep in mind, her frontal lobe was in disarray. In complete chaos. I made her decisions for a time.  All of which I expected to be followed without fail. 

    . I took it one day at a time. Making sure Leah was benefiting. It really didn't take long before Leah came back to us. 

  This was a move that I made based on her need for control. She needs control. However, she tries to control everything herself parts of herself are in complete chaos. Therefore, where she failed I would not. Thus, I gave her the safety she absolutely needed. She was in the controlled routine that her autistic brain needed. It worked she felt safe. Safer then she felt in a long time. 

  I know what you are thinking. Whoa, harsh much. I would say that written down on paper it looks to be that way. However, she was screaming for me to take control. She was desperate for a safety net. I wanted to stay in a safety zone myself was deaf to it. I realized that I had to go out on the high wire for her. I had to be at a place where I was strong enough to do this. I had to put my fear aside and do what she needed. 

We were in this together. When she hit that place of I don't see anyone to keep me safe. It was time for me let go of misgivings. I choose to give her everything I had to pull her out. 

As time moved on she tried to gain control. I refused to let her have any of it. I explained her situation. This was when she was in a calm mood. She has no understanding of authority. So we have to establish that. I repeat that for her. I'm the adult, her authority, her safety. She is the child under my authority, my safety. I'm teaching her to be an adult. We repeated this. I have her say it back to me. 

 The other thing I make sure she does is receive forgiveness. This is a choice I give her. When she made a mistake.  She can be under consequence still. I am ready to give her forgiveness but she must receive it. I praise her for this. It is not easy to forgive herself. It never had been easy. 

   We also had conversations about her emotions. Why she needs to let calm Leah make decisions. When angry Leah has been making decisions she ends up in consequence. Leah worked hard. She didn't take long to follow the routine I set. She dropped several very bad habits almost immediately. In that she gained independence. She during this time learned to independently shower and brush her teeth. This gave her a sense of pride. She is still in a controlled routine. However, she is not in the boot camp phase. I established for about 2 weeks. 

The results of this have been dramatic. Her anxiety has dropped down so much. She transitions without a fight at all. The meltdowns that we see two or three times a day are once or twice a week. I'm not expecting her to not have meltdowns. As an autistic that would be impossible. Especially the age she is at. However, I'm proud of her to be able to utilize the coping skills we've worked on. The whole team is quite astounded. 

  My husband asked me why we didn't do this before. As I refected before it was because of her self harm. Her physical control that she would always revert to. She would stop toileting. She would start vomiting. We end up in the hospital. There was no availability to be able start this particular boot camp. As in everything in life there is a purpose and time. She was ready and mature enough for this instruction. 

  I made it a point to involve everyone in this plan. That was key. Every single person had to be on board. Communication is the key. Also to keep me in check as well. Especially her behavioral therapist. We really had to make sure we were on the right track. My main concern was Leah getting to a healthier place. A place that she was happier. 

I'm am extremely blessed to report that she is no longer talking about not wanting to be here. She actually talks about the future again. She finds happiness in the small things like she use to. My Leah finally found her way out of the valley. I'm profoundly proud of her. She has done a lot of work. We have a couple more stops. Next up Faith ends Fear

Mental Crisis a Series: Rock Bottom

 Leah in the process of going through this time went through lows. She had times when she was even. She had times when she was in deep depression. We made adjustments as she went though this process. It came clear that the direct that we were taking was wrong. 

  Autistics in general do not like change. Transitions are very difficult. In this time that seemed all there was for Leah. We had to make a huge change with quarantine. We changed what we were doing with school. We had to readjust when that was not working. We made adjustments with medications. Also made adjustments for therapy. It was a walking nightmare for Leah. 

  She let us know that she was in a nightmare. She didn't do much as use words. Communication is hard as well. Her behavior was erratic. It was impulsive. Her words became sharp and meant to sting. Absolutely no one was exempted in this wrath. She had the worst for her sister. It was easier because there was little resistance coming back. On the piggie back of this was her overwhelming guilt. She herself did not understand her lashing out. She felt terribly guilty. Hence these bouts lead to her not wanting to live. Nearly everyday she would discuss her desire for this. 

  We had no idea one day or the next what Leah was going to do. Towards the end it was just me and my husband that was available to watch Leah. Although I tried to inquire for another respite worker it was not available to us. Sometimes I had to have Sharon or Leah sit with Daddy at work. The clinics don't allow siblings in appointments. We have a lot of those. Leah's behavior was not to be left with someone who at least had a decent idea. Even at that it was still is risky. She had times when she would run. She would hide in the most odd places.She once camouflaged in a cow costume in the closet. Luckily, I had a mind for these places. We've had to restraint her several times. 

It was my Birthday. Sharon had camp that was available for teens. Leah didn't qualify due to her age. We only have some options as a neurodiverse family. We have to have extra support. Most camps don't provide that. So we have about 2 or 3 choices in our area. They did not fit in our schedule. I did get Leah in an art camp for a week. Also art lessons. On this particular day I lost all control of Leah. I had an appointment that I had to cancel. I had to just wait out Leah so that we could go home. I was exhausted and defeated. I was ready to look for an inpatient facility. Still not sure if that was a right decision. It would mostly be out of state. It would be more of a sedition and hold. Rather than a productive time. 

 I sent Leah to her room that day. I sent an email to her team. I called my mother and cried. I cried for the pain Leah was in. I cried for the pain I was in. We both decided that I needed to take control for her. That I needed to start a behavioral boot camp of my own. I needed to drive the bus. 

Leah and I hit rock bottom that day. I refused to lose one more second. I started what I referred to as boot camp that day. That day we rose from the valley. The next in the series is Rising Up. 

  

Mental Crisis a Series: Refection

 During this time I spent almost all of my time in thought. If I wasn't with Leah I was thinking about Leah. I was thinking about what the past. Refecting what got us to this point. What could I have done differently? Was there more help that I could have gotten her? What am I missing in this puzzle? Where do we go from here? 

Special needs parents are always questioning their decision. It's a natural occurrence. We have no basis to go by. Thus when a problem occurs surely it was a mistake that was made on our part. I delved into my memory. Consulted her team about some of her past issues. I brutally beat myself for tiny things. Realized that in fact I couldn't have done things different. I made decisions based off circumstances. Those decisions were the right ones at the time. Are they right ones for her now? No. I had to evolve. That is what I concluded

I have had Leah in many therapies. During Covid some were just discontinued. She wanted to participate in them. It was hard for her to understand. I also wanted to look for another options that would help her in her new stage that she found herself in. However, during the Covid period Mental Health became a luxury not essential. Which with everything that I am I will tell you Mental Health is extremely essential. This lack of availability to help my daughter made me angry. I'm not one to get angry. However, I was and am livid. 

   I knew that in the middle of all this I still am missing information. I started trying to find similar examples of Leah. I talked to a very close friend daily. The closest to Leah. They are the most helpful in my opinion. The best thing a parent can possibly do is talk to an autistic adult. They are logical and can give information that your child can't at least not yet. Also I have read up on bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder. However, these are all based on brains that are neurotypical. Where does that leave Leah? She is autistic. Completely different brain type. This was a puzzle to me. I concluded there should be a more nuerodiverse DSM. 

  Where do I go from here? This was a question that took me down a long path. We had to hit bottom before we went up. We were in a deep valley. However, during this time that valley got pretty low. We only had a few people that kept us from sinking in the quicksand. I really am thankful for that. 

   Also in this reflection I want to make note of what love is. Love doesn't falter. It doesn't walk away. It abides in the darkest of times. It remembers that a bright light will surely come. When love is present victory will be gained. With that in mind, on to Rock Bottom. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Medication

 Medication is not always essential for treatment in mental illness. In some cases in could be a hindrance. This depends on the diagnosis. I must again declare I'm not an expert on the subject. I have read several books on the subject to help Leah. That is the extent on my knowledge. 

In the case of Leah medication is necessary. When did I think it was necessary? Just as a medical problem. When her life was at risk. I hope we are detecting a pattern here. The brain is the most crucial part of the human body. The complexity of it is overwhelming. Yet we get a little skittish about wanting to treat that part of our body. If I break a bone I'm going to go in and have a doctor put a cast on that limb. My mind is doing some crazy thing, nope leave that alone. I don't think so. The brain controls every other part of your person. It should be sound. 

Another example is a diabetic needs insulin to control their sugar levels. It is crucial they do this depending on the type of diabetes. We don't question this. However, I get questioned about why I have Leah on medication. The simple answer is she needs it. Why else would I have her on it? 

I will go back to the diabetic example in explanation. Sugar levels go up and down. You have to base insulin usually based on that. This is similar to medication for Leah. She grows and we have to adjust. Her hormones change we need to adjust. This was the case during our time in this crisis. She went through a growth spurt. She also is dealing with hormonal changes. 

I went through two different medicine changes during this time. This was to adjust to the changes in her body. This helped stabilize her. Once we were on stabile ground then therapy started to get better. She was able to be in a little bit better control. 

In general a person with ADHD needs medicine. We had that in the news recently. A athlete unable to perform because they could not take their medicine. It throws everything off because the mind is the center of your entire being. It is not some small little issue that you should be able to work past. 

Leah happens to have ADHD and a form of mood disorder. We are on a non stimulant, an antianxiety and mood stabilizer. This has worked well for her. When she is older it might change. She might not need one medication or the other. Mental illness like diabetes or other medical chronic illnesses has to be maintained. Usually that maintenance involves therapy and medication. The next step in our journey is reflection.

Mental Crisis a Series: Therapy

 A crucial element in dealing with Mental Illness is therapy. In our case we were lucky. We had a team that continued to see us in the midst of Covid. We stopped one therapy service during this time. 

Therapy is a very personal experience. Leah needed this done in person. In my opinion this is not a video service. Mental health is about connecting. It is about building a relationship. This can't be done through a screen. A person can hide a lot through a screen. When you are in front of someone this is not the case. 

Leah did not do well in zoom. She was not able to focus. We accomplished nothing when doing something on video. This was with school or therapy. I had a therapist that refused in person. This concluded our time with them. My main concern was Leah's health. She was in danger. It was obvious to everyone on our team that zoom didn't cut it. 

The therapy team we are currently have tirelessly pulled Leah to a safe place. Communication is key. She had several therapists who worked together.

In general the reason mental health should be in person is connection. It is pure and simple. A mentally ill person might only get one person or persons that they can talk to. That person might very well be their therapist. The only time they get to see someone. That alone should be a reason to make sure they are met in person. You see because that person matters. Their life matters. In the next stop in our journey is medication. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Defined

What does a Mental Crisis mean? How does one have a Mental Crisis? How does that effect the person having one? Is there anyway to prevent a Mental Crisis? I will answer these questions. Keep in mind I'm just a mother. I'm not an expert. Also I believe in my case with my daughter no one is. I will get to that later in the series. 

 A Mental Crisis is the same as a medical crisis. A patient is in critical condition. Without prevention the patient will not survive. What exactly does that mean? A person who is going through a Mental Crisis no longer has value for life. This could be a matter of months, days or hours. In our case it was months. 

 A lot of things can prevent a Mental Crisis. In a mentally ill person it might not be preventable. Certainly in the circumstances we found ourselves it was not. 

Leah found herself in a position in the middle of Covid quarantine. She just came out of her fourth hospital stay from an ongoing medical problem. She is entering that teenage time that we all love. Also having her services completely cut off or limited during quarantine. 

The fact that our family found ourselves on the other side we are extremely blessed. Other families were not as blessed. The Covid restrictions were more deadly to us than actual Covid. I don't say this lightly. I say the truth. While we tend to look at a medical thing like Covid. People don't realize that mental illness is a silent killer. It is silent for a lot of reasons. We don't speak of it. Did you know the suicide rate was higher than Covid deaths? Another silence. When you are not mentally well you can have moments of deep dark thoughts. Impulsiveness takes over. Cognitive thought no longer exists. Deadly consequences are the result. Many times you hear people talk about someone they lost. "I just talked to them an hour ago" "They seemed happy" 

Leah during this time fluttered in and out of deep darkness. Knowing the state she was in she was never alone. This was a tiring effort. Also we desperately kept at looking for a way to save her from the darkness. This Journey continues with Therapy. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Intro

 I'm doing a series of the last year of going through Covid with Mental Illness . It is important to visit this topic. We need to bring awareness to both topics.

I do have trigger warning prior to reading this series. Hence, this introduction. If you are at all triggered by Covid please refrain. Covid brings strong emotions and isn't my main focus. In the same since I will be mostly focusing on suicide. This can also be a sensitive subject as well. My goal in this is to bring awareness to Mental illness not to trigger anger. This is my personal experience. Others have a different prospective.  

Finally, this is a journey that we took with my daughter Leah. I have gotten permission from Leah to write this series. It will be in my own view and personal involvement. Leah wants to be understood. My goal is that we can get closer to that. If you go on this journey keep that in mind 

Kandi