Cause and Effect

 This is a biblical post. 

   I made my peace a very long time ago with my children having high needs autism. I am writing in the perspective of a mother of a profoundly autistic child. Also a mother of one dealing with what is considered  a milder form. However, with the coexisting conditions makes her high needs. 

That being said I am at peace with their autistic brains and how they function. I'm at peace with the fact they will not lead a normal life or be able to live on their own. 

We have had a lot of news about autism recently. What causes it. Why is it effecting our children. What can we do to stop it. 

This is a very scary scenario for me. I know that my children were born autistic. I know it was an inherited. We had genetic testing, all of it done. We looked at their mapped out design. It was right there in black and white what caused our families autism. I don't need research studies telling me it was the Tylenol or some other random thing. I'm not discounting that. I am not saying that environmental causes have no effect on autistics making them sick. There are things in this world that is making everyone sick. I am saying that the autism is separate from that. The autistic brain is innate. I can go on and on for hours proving it is innate. However, that is not the purpose of this particular post. I will say that it is very much like an apple versus android. A different brain with a different operating system. Still human with the same everything but it functions completely different from the typical. An apple and android can do almost the same things however their programming is different. This world is mostly an apple world and it seems as though their is something is wrong with the android. The apple can get glitches and so can the android. Those glitches effect the apple differently than the android. The android is hard to figure out because everyone is used to the apple. So the android must be completely damaged. It isn't. We are just having a communication problem 

This is to say that I have a profoundly autistic child. Her brain can't communicate like a typical brain. We don't have a good line of communication. Also a brain and body communication issue. My other daughter's brain is opposite. Her brain communicates too much and she can't keep up. I have an understanding of this. I also know that I can help translate somethings for them. I don't have the answers for everything. That is God's domain. 

I spoke about my children designed this way. I have science backing me up on that. Also I know that God designed us to be different. It is evident in the environments in which he put them. We are built differently based on where we are put. I know that God made disabilities as a human experience. 

John 9:1-5 

As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 

  Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.  As long as it is day, we must do the works of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." 

From this text we can see that the disciples want to know why? Jesus explains that this disability was created for the purpose of displaying God's work. 'As long as it is day, We must do the works of Him who sent me'  This is saying that this will continue to happen. These disabilities, so that we do the works of Him who sent me.  'As long as it is day'. So as long as we are here on this Earth. Then he goes on to say "While I am in the world , I am the light of the world."  Jesus during His ministry healed a lot of disabled individuals. A lot of them have been recorded in scriptures. Most of His dealing were with disabled people. 

  As long as God has work for us, we will see disability. We can't cure what God has created. I just put the reason why it exists. It is also a call to faith. 

Luke 5: 18-25 

Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. When they could not find a way to do this of because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus. 

 When Jesus saw their faith He said, " Friend, your sins are forgiven." 

The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, "Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?" 

 Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, " Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But I want you to know the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins." So he said to the paralyzed man, " I tell you get up, take your mat and go home. Immediately he stood in front of them, took what had been lying on and went home praising God. 

In this example this man wasn't born paralyzed. Some happened to cause it. His sins needed forgiving. His sins were forgiven because his friends were faithful. His friends had faith that Jesus would help him. That He was the only one that had authority to do so. As Jesus mentioned later in the text. We search and search for a way to lessen our afflictions. We as a creation do not have this power. Only the Son of man does. Is this hard for me to say? That my children will suffer and I can help them but not fix everything? Absolutely. I also know this is the work God has given me. You might asked how can God do this? I would refer you to the entire book of Job. I will also attest that I can only speak to what God has revealed to me. I am but a creature of His creation. I have not a inkling of the workings of God. I do know that He doesn't make mistakes. He has authority over all the happenings of His creation. He allows and moves according to His glory. 

 2 Cor: 12: 6-10

Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

  This is my favorite passage. Paul was given a 'messenger of Satan'. A thorn in the side. He was given a disability. God allowed this to happen to Paul. God pointed out first My grace is sufficient. Then God said that His power is made perfect in weakness. He was saying that He allowed the disability so that His power can be made perfect. Paul communicates that he now delights in his weakness, in all of his suffering. When he is weak, he is strong. 

When we think about suffering know that God's power is made perfect in it. I can only speak for myself but in the hardships is when I feel the strongest. I'm at the mercy of the Cross. I'm not depending on myself but relying on God to carry me. 

I'm not going to argue about how Autism got here. It is considered a weakness. You might want this thorn to be taken away. Which is completely valid. As for me I do not. I do not worry about it. I know only God has the authority to "cure" it. For His grace is sufficient. That work has to be done. That His power can be made perfect. I will draw strength from my weaknesses. I delight in it. 

~Kandi

The hardest part as a caregiver

 I wear many hats. I am a follower of Christ, wife, mother, advocate and somewhat of a word smith. However, I am a caregiver. The guardian of lives and it will become very legal soon. That particular job is probably the hardest. My time is not mine. It's separated into the ones I care for. 

   The hardest part of being a caregiver is allowing time just for myself. Most people have to force themselves to exercise. Force themselves to eat healthy. I have to force myself to sit. To not move to the next thing. Even my time with God is during exercise. I spend an hour and a half a day exercising. My mind is never at rest. 

  I'm writing this because I did just sit this morning. However I feel guilty. Beyond guilty for doing so. I could be doing so many things rather than just sit here. I was fine when the cat was laying on me. I after all am giving my lap to the cat. So it would be so rude to move him. 

  I am constantly thinking of ways I could be more efficient. I could of done this day better. What went wrong with this situation? How can I be better for the next time it happens? Worried that I made a poor choice in a decision when it comes to my girls. 

  I have been making decisions for Sharon nearly 18 years. When she hits that milestone very soon, I will still be making decisions for her.  It is very taunting, In this rest period I am still not relaxed. I am thinking about this mountain of responsibility now legally required of me. Forgive me, my processing this openly. 

 I know several things. God is my strength. He is the Captain of this very broken ship of mine. I know in Him I can rest. In some ways I do. I know that whatever happens in a day, I'm going to get through it. Some days it feels impossible. I can tell you some wild stories that you wouldn't believe. I had days where I couldn't believe that I got through it. The faith it takes to let God drive your ship to shore is hard. However, I cling to that because I have to. 

 God is the ultimate caregiver. I can only imagine with the small responsibility I have. It leaves me in awe and gratitude. He wants me to rest. He set aside a day for rest. One of the things I am not obedient in at all. I want to be though. I want to realize that taking time for myself isn't bad. It is necessary for my health. 

 I was asked if I would tell a friend the things I tell myself. I obviously said no. It would be rude and hurtful to do so. I am writing this now and it came to me. I am also harming what is God's. I am His. That is the crux of it. 

 I need to work on that. I need to be a caregiver to myself. 

 I hope that we as caregivers can learn to rest. We go at such a pace that it is astounding. We are on call 24/7. There is not a day off. However, moments can be spared. We can allow ourselves rest in those moments. 

~Kandi

Joy in a neurodiverse family

 I learned my child was autistic when she was 3 years and 3 months. She is now 17 years and 8 months old. A lot has happened in those years. 

  My second child is autistic as well. Then with genetic testing and pure observation, my husband. I am the only one that would be considered "normal". In my household I'm not. I'm the exception. I'm confusing at times to my family. They sometimes have a hard time with my "normal" emotions and my inability to remember the order of the day. I often change things up. The audacity of this is voiced in unison. 

 I'm not frustrated nor looking for answers to the order in my life. I didn't plan my life as going as such. However, I'm grateful for how it turned out. Through my family I have a driven purpose. I wake up in the morning knowing the mission. I don't question what I'm doing with my life. I'm not wondering what will I do. Progress and success is different in our household but it is there. We strive for it everyday like a missile. 

  I take offense to my children being called damaged or being called an epidemic. As if they're a well planned invasion on a utopia of a world. I would like to point out that if you look around; my children and others like them are the least of societies problem. Simply it's not true. My children are not damaged. They are just different. People may not like their differences. However, it is not up to them to consider them damaged because of it. 

  How are they going to contribute to society with all those differences? They already have in so many ways. I have done so many things that I wouldn't have done hadn't been for their differences. 

  When my children were young it was hard to keep up with them being extremely overweight. I decided I needed to lose weight so I can keep them safe. I've lost over 150lbs. They were my motivation and purpose. I've learned about psychology, behavior, genetics. I've learned law and how to translate non verbal and verbal communication. I've learned how to stay calm in horrible situations to a positive outcome. I've learned how to advocate and be bold in it.  I've learned diplomacy and different points of view. The list goes on. 

  The most important thing I've learned is the beauty of this world through them. They have a much different view point. they discover things that I can't. This leaves me in awe and wonder. I'm very thankful, blessed to be able to have this. 

  I don't mourn what I didn't have in the first place. I wonder what life would have offered if my children were not autistic. I would probably still be obese. I would lack the knowledge I have now. I would still probably desire for more every single day not knowing my purpose. I would be sad and miserable in my own chronic pain that is a constant. If I'm honest would I still be here because of that constant pain? NO. I'm sorry I don't want that life. That life is damaged. 

  My girls have taught me so much in their short life. I love them for who they are. Not because they are my children. I love them for the individual value and love they bring to my life. 

  So yes I take offense when somebody calls my family damaged. I can speak of the wonderful benefits of having a neurodiverse family for an entire book. 

   Some based on my words, will assume that I must not have children that are severely effected. By society's version of that is, yes they are. My oldest might not be able to live on her own. My youngest has an opportunity to flourish on her own but might not either. Both are unique in their neuro presentation. One struggles with cognitive delays and the other emotional regulation. They are very much different. Which is a blessing. They are so unique. 

  God gave me this opportunity. I could certainly hate this life. I know many who do. I know many who are desperate to change it. Who would love to have a different life. I simply don't feel that way. I feel blessed to be able to serve God with what He has given me. In this He has blessed me with peace. Peace and joy in the life had laid out for me. I know how and why my children are autistic. It wouldn't matter in the way God had delivered it so to me. Because it is what He had for me. How do I know that? Because I'm living it. That's the honest brutal truth. The question to be answered is how I react to it? That is my free will. I hope and pray I am favorable in His sight.