Project 2019

   I try to be as positive as I can. I truly do. I believe I am blessed. Even in the struggles that I have been given those are blessings. The children I have been given have been the greatest of all gifts. If I have been given neurotypical children I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't be half as determined. I wouldn't know the things I know. I thank the Lord everyday for that. If I hadn't of had the knee surgeries and the grueling recovery I wouldn't have the amount of patience that I do now.  The migraines have given me a since of resolve. To be able to take the toughest situation and get through it. This has all prepared me. He trained me. He gave me these things. When you run a marathon you don't just go to the starting line. You prepare. Even with the people placed in my life. I think back on it. All were placed specifically to help. It is amazing to me. All that has been done to guide me. I wasn't there on my own. I always had that "personal trainer" that everything to push me. The things I struggle with is when I ignore the instruction. This year has been a rough year. I had a lot of years where I have struggled with my physical issues. They were there of course. This year I struggled to mentally survive. I was exhausted. I was just going through the motions. I lost interest in so many things. I suppose in a way went into a depression.
     One would of suggested to talk to someone. That would have been ideal. The problem in the state I was in contacting someone was nearly impossible. It is such now. I get stuck. I also feel like I have no time at all. Which technically is true. I have 7 therapies going on with consults, 2 social workers, and SSI. I know that is the girls. I have an a massive amount of help concerning them. All of which has to be managed. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't want another appointment. I didn't want to deal with another doctor really. I also have a real issue with not wanting to bother people. I don't really like to delve so much into how I feel. Ironic I'm doing it now. I feel it is important to give my girls a voice. I feel like it is important to talk about the things that would effect them. It was a tidal wave of the things we were dealing with. I didn't even realize that I got sucked down in. Then found myself at the bottom drowning there. I thought hmmm this is no good. Here is the thing everyday is new. God raises the sun each day. We get the chance to start fresh. We get the chance to let Him raise it and not ourselves. We get the chance to let it go. I will do that starting tomorrow.
     What does that mean exactly? I had a goal I set aside. A project. I will start that project back up tomorrow. In doing so I will be doing no social media for at least 3 months. I will be using my free time to getting the first 3 phases of 5 done on my project. I will be coming back when that is complete. As I said that should be in 3 months to my best estimation. This to me is not a resolution. It is a goal that will be completed. I make goals and complete them. I will be available through DM. Always willing to help. I am not going to be social(not that I have been). I will reply to messages. I will not be reaching out to anyone at this time that I otherwise have a set obligation. I want to give this as explanation. I will not be giving any details about the project at this time. When I come back I will go through progression of it.
     This is very important to me. I hope that you understand this time that I need to get myself together. I hope you understand that I care for each and every person in my life. I feel that I'm not a very good friend right now. I would rather know that I can fully be available. I hate to say I can be there when really I'm not capable right now. I hope that beginning of the New Year for you is fruitful. I am thinking about you. Again I am here if anyone would want to say "Hi" just message me.
Thanks,
Kandi

Adrift: Dealing with Mental Illness

    I find more and more that there is a severe lack of knowledge of mental illness. We have a certain mentality that the person dealing with it needs to just get over themselves. I wouldn't tell a diabetic that. I wouldn't tell someone who was severely injured that they should just walk it off. Yet as a society we tend to get irritated with mentally ill. We can't see their injury. It makes it rough. I can tell you they have an injury. They have an illness. It isn't something you can see. It is there. We tell them that they should just spend more time relaxing. They shouldn't be taking medication. Can you imagine going up to a diabetic and telling them not to take the insulin that is crucial to them? Now you are thinking it is not the same thing. It is in mental illness. They get lost in their heads. Stuck. Adrift. Medication needs to improve for sure. However, it is the difference between having a raft or being swallowed up by an ocean.
  I have a young child dealing with mental illness. We were not wanting to put her on medication. We were in that ocean, swimming. It was okay. We were keeping are heads above water. It was hard. She required supervision at all times. I mean you did not leave her in a room alone. She went under. She did this all on her own you see. Dived deep. I was able to pull her to safety but that was enough to know that I needed to do something and fast. It wasn't something you soon forget. We got our first piece of wood. We are hanging on too it. We are going along wading in the ocean. We start getting further out. We have some waves. It is hard to keep afloat with just a piece of wood. She is having a hard time hanging on. We can see it. We are trying our best. We know that it will not be long until we have to build something stronger for her. Then she goes under again. It is worse than before. I'm weak from wading and injured. This will not do. I make the decision that we need a raft not just a piece of wood. I don't regret getting this raft for my daughter. She hasn't had an incident in quite some time. We could have lost her if it were not for the Grace of God. Truly a miracle. We think that we have things completely under control. However, it is by Grace that things work out. We are given doctors and medicine. I am truly blessed that my daughter is with us. Here is the thing I know without that raft she will be swallowed. I will not regret building it. If you are suffering from mental illness and are trying to fight to stay afloat, it's okay to build a raft. It's okay to take the proper medication for it.
    We want to be strong. Physical strength is one thing but mental weakness it's a taboo. However, we often see in history that those who suffered in this made beautiful things. We can look back at people who made art, music, and wrote. These people suffered from mental illness. How many had an untimely death? Their legacy is in their work. We all get gifts. We all have talents. We all have weakness. Imagine if they were able to ride that ocean a little longer. It is often those who are the weakest that have the most to contribute. We need to give them the tools to get them to the other side. I'm just a mother. I know my daughter for some reason has been given chances to continue. I will make sure she has her raft. Whatever she is meant to do, it will be done.

Letters to special needs parents 7 (a series)

Dear Special Needs Parents,
 
       Remember that day that your child was first diagnosed? Has anyone ever asked you that question and you immediately give them a date? I do. I say 12/20/2010. Like a birth date, anniversary or death. It was day that marked a change in our family. You have these expectations for your children. You dream of what they could be. You think about all the events that they will go through. The memories of your life intertwined; a more perfected reality for your child. In one crashing blow that dream shatters like a mirror. You are faced with a new one. This new reality is a challenge beyond what you thought possible. However, looking back it made me who I am now. I don't remember that me. The one before Autism. The one who had those expectations that were mine, not hers anyway. They certainly were not God's plan for her. We as special needs parents very early in our child's life is that there is no set plan. There is no expectation placed so heavily on our children. We want progress. We want them to excel. However, it is a very different sort of reality. We get to be proud of them for the very little things. We get to celebrate all the little things that are just expected. We get to have joy for them showing affection. We get to dance with them in their over abounding zest for life.
    It was 8 years ago that we were introduced to Autism. I knew what it was. In the same sense I didn't have a clue. I had been living with it for 3 years and was oblivious to it. What I know now I could of said my daughter was autistic very early. She was my first born. I just thought this was how it was. I was not good enough for her maybe? Sometimes that little nagging fear creeps up. Sharon has always dealt with a severe lack of communication. It is very difficult to figure out what is going on sometimes. When she was diagnosed with Autism it was mixture of feelings. It wasn't all bad. It was relief, grief, lots of worry and determination. I know that I'm not the only one who deals with emotional roller coaster. Especially on those bad days. On days like this when you are reminded of the journey from there to here.
    We have been through a lot in 8 years. We have met some amazing people. People who work hard to make people's lives better. We have learned more in these 8 years than in our previous 20+. It isn't that it takes a special person to raise a special needs child. It is the child that inspires those around them to be better to be special too. We think of people who are not neurotypical as having something missing. However, it is just that they have something else to offer. I never knew 8 years ago that I needed to learn that something else. Today I would tell you without a doubt that it is needed. I need Sharon's absolute joy. I need her singing and her dancing. I need her to be just the way she is.
Blessings,
Kandi

Letters to special needs parents part 6 (a series)

Dear Special Needs Parents,
          I took a minute. I was going over the girls’ situation for the millionth time. I know this might sound selfish. I actually thought about myself. I haven’t really done that for a while. Have you? Have you sat down sat down and checked in on you? I realized in that minute, I’m nowhere in my brain. I couldn’t find me. I am scrabbled. I couldn’t focus. I went back to thinking about all the things that need to be done. I thought about my husband and my children. I can’t dwell on me. Why does someone have to bring me up? I don’t have time for that!
          I use to go out with friends, just for me. I don’t have time. I use to watch quite a bit of football. I don’t have time. I use to go to the gym. I don’t have time. Where did I go? All the these things I did for myself, became “unnecessary”. I needed to do this and that for Sharon and Leah. I needed to be there for my husband. However, if I’m not me, who do they have? They have a impersonal task manager. Someone who gets things done but would really like to clock out. What would I do when I clock out? I read to escape the ridiculously stressful situations I find myself in on a daily basis. I pray for other people. Rarely do I pray for myself, only in severe amount of pain. If I’m this scrabbled in my own life, I can imagine that my fellow special needs parents are too.
          As I write this my new goal is finding me. I’m going to take time to doing things just for me. My family all of me, not just a scrabbled shell. I hope in writing this I can inspire another main caretaker to do the same. Even if it is 10 minutes a day. Take time for just you. Something you enjoy. Don’t think about anyone. Think about you in the present. Then we can give the ones that need us the most our all.
Blessings,
Kandi

Exhaustion: Dealing with Mental Illness

      When people talk about mental illness it is alway in terms of ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’. As if these are the only aspects of it. They debilitating don’t get me wrong. They interfer with ones life. We never talk about the more pronounced side of it. Bipolar certainly is getting more popular to talk about. We can thank a number of celebrities and people in the public eye for that. As humans we really haven’t scratched the surface of our brains. It is a wondrous thing. It is so very complicated. People with mental illness have a different brain. It operates differently. We haven’t figured out how a normal brain operates. How are we supposed to firgure out one that has a different design? Once more we are not even talking about it. We view it very much as something that someone just needs to get over themselves. It is very hard when you see someone clearly born with differences. You have experiences with them but they don’t see them the same way. You expect them to react in a certain way. They are always surprising you in responses to situations. Most people see mental illness as an adult issue. It’s not. Children deal with it and grow up to be adults with mental illness. Sometimes the parents see it. Sometimes it isn’t diagnosed until later. In our case you can’t help but see it. It effects everyday life. I am exhausted. I’m a mother who isn’t sure how to help some days.
      I have two children. My children both have special needs. We have been slowly trying to figure out what is best. We have therapy that is what we do. Six different therapies 3 for each child. We ask ourselves is it enough?We see our child struggle everyday. Just getting through normal day to day activities. What is missing.? What can’t we see? We get testing done. New things come into play. Still we are dealing with a child lost. Drowning in her own emotions. Of course we have no life preserver. We have to dive in in after her her. We are sucked down in the water. The tide is different every time. Never the same. The pattern doesn’t repeat so it is very hard to figure out. She could be fine with a situation today and the same thing happens tomorrow we are in troubled waters. Her emotions change like a flickering light. She can go from happy to Hulk In a matter of seconds. This is very difficult in the car. We are always driving to some therapy. Having Hulk appear or even the thought of having it appear is beyond distracting.
        I want to make this point clear. My child isn’t just dealing with some anger issues. She has many issues. She not only can’t control any of her emotions whether it be sadness, happiness anger or excitement, jealousy ext. She has processing issues via her Autism and impulsiveness of ADHD. I have one complicated kiddo. She is very unique. She can charm anyone. I mean anyone. She can make anything look beautiful. She is the only one that I know that shows loves in the exact form it was intended. She doesn’t want to lose control but she can’t help it. Even at 9 she knows it. She feels the weight of guilt. This is something we all have to deal with. Mental illness is exhausting. I have been kicked, punched and verbally bashed. It doesn’t really mean anything to me. Watching my daughter shatter that is something that I have a hard time dealing with. I pray everyday for a better tomorrow. As someone dealing with these situations I recommend one day at a time. Tomorrow will be better.

Invisible Forgiveness

    We all do things that need to be forgiven. If you think you haven't than you are heavily lying to yourself. It is the case with those with invisible disabilities. Those who deal with mental illness. We all say things that we wish we can take back. Once they are said they hurt. They don't go back in your head. Most of us have this filter. We think before we speak. Did you know when you are angry that filter is very much damaged? The energy that is used to keep that filter in place is used to help us fight off some bear or something? It is true. It is a natural bodily reaction. Everyone has it. You ever get angry and just spout off stuff and wonder why you even said that? That is why. Your brain basically turns off. This is why forgiveness is so important. One statement that someone said should be forgiven. Even two quite possibly more than that. If that person is dealing with a mental illness you need to have the patience to forgive anything that comes out. That is very difficult. Once somebody apologizes it should also be forgotten. It is the only way to live with someone that has a mental illness. They can't live with the guilt and in the same sense hating someone for their illness is unproductive.
      Unfortunately, we live in a time where offensive statements are the sole reason to lash out on somebody. I see it time and again. I worry about what that does to my daughters' future. She does not have a filter. She speaks unfiltered. If she thinks it, it is out of her mouth. At times it is amusing but other times it can be harsh even for an 8 year old. I know her diagnosis. To other people it is invisible. You can't see it. You can't see her struggle on a daily basis. All you know is that she is being this spoiled brat. That is our problem these days. We don't take the time to understand what someone is going through before making the judgement. We are already have an assessment set up based on a second glance.
    I worked retail. It was harsh to say the least. It was automotive. People don't want to buy things for their cars. They just don't, the least of which to fix them. They would come in already angry. I got that. I understood that. It took me a long time to get that. I would get angry right back at them when I was younger. Then I thought about what if I was in their shoes? What if something broke that I really was pretty unfamiliar with. What if I had to go out and spent a bunch a money on that? I would be in a mood for sure. I stopped being offended every time they would come in angry. I would try and help them see things a little better. My goal was to get them to smile before they left. I was good at that. I didn't mind getting yelled at sometimes. Changing my prospective on that made me love my job instead of hating it.
    People think differently. It is very important to be tolerant of that. We all want to be open minded but are you open minded on how people process things differently? They have different values than you? They might be more conservative. They might be more liberal. They might be more religious. I know for a fact that where ever you are at you can find something in common with another human. I do it all the time. I love it. I might just have one thing that I can cling too with someone to connect with but I don't care.  People with mental illnesses have a different way of processing information. Along with those with Autism. Some one who is typical might process something in seconds. It might take a full hour for an Autistic or someone that has a mental illness might not be able to do it at all. It all depends on the situation. So the next time you are upset about the way someone thinks it really isn't their choice. It is how their brain is wired. It is the set of circumstances that they live in. Find out what is going on in their brain. The human brain is the most interesting thing on this planet. Every single one is different too! Ask questions and communicate.

Mentally Broken: A story of strength

           In order to know this story you must go to your own memory bank. You need to think of specific times in your life that you were extremely emotional. A time when you were scared, angry, loved, happy, excited, anxious, exhausted and frustrated. I was playing this over in my head thinking of what I felt like all of those times. I will give you some examples. It can be hard to pull stuff out of your head.
            Scared: ever have a time when your life literally flashed in front of your eyes? You realized that had it gone a different way you would have been gone? What if happened to a family member the thought of a person being gone? Scary. What did it feel like in that moment? Heart racing, out of control and over powering? Angry: ever just get completely fed up maybe it took a total bad day or perhaps a week? Next thing you know you are in rage flinging stuff. Your mind completely blank from thought of control. Loved: You remember when you first lay eyes on someone that you love? Someone you haven't seen in a long time? That first sight of that face. The first burst of emotion that comes in your head. The relief, joy, memories and never wanting to forget, love. Happy: It is easy to think of happy as something small. I'm talking huge happy. When you have a wedding. You accomplish a goal that you worked so hard for. The feeling of overwhelming joy that makes you want to just dance around. Excited: We all get excited over little things maybe through out the day. Again think about a time when that excitement was so overwhelming that it made your skin crawl.A big night that you know is going to be really fun. A get together. A trip just inches away that you have been looking forward to. It is just within reach now. Anxious: A lot of people get anxious when they have to do something like speak in front of a huge crowd. Remember shaking with nerves and nothing is calming them. Having to deal with someone you know is going to yell and scream. Telling someone bad news. Exhausted: I can so relate to this. Having to stay up all night and knowing full well you have a complete wreck of a day the next. Knowing it is full throttle and after it is all done, so are you. Frustrated: You ever look at a problem from the side, front, back and still can't figure it out. You go mindless with rage over it because all you want to do is solve it. One more and this one is very important because it can be most taxing. Guilt: You ever treat someone so badly that years later it still bothers you? Even though you asked forgiveness and it was given? You ever do something that you are completely ashamed of that it still eats at you? I want you to take this all in. It might take a while to go through memories. I took this journey in mind because I had too. While I had all those things in my head it was emotionally draining.  After you have done that continue reading.....
 

                             Why did I do that? Why would I put all those memories in my head at once? I had to feel what my daughter feels. My daughter has a mental illness. Where she goes through emotions like a tidal wave. Every single emotion to the extreme not one but all on a daily basis. Can you imagine that? Can you think about grieving, excited, happy, angry, frustrated to the extreme all within 2 hours? The physical toll that would do to you? How tired would you be if that happened to you? Would you even want to face a day of that? My daughter wakes up to that everyday. She has to go through the day facing a mountain of emotions and function. What surprises me is that even though days are hard, we get through them. We take them head on. My daughter is strong. She is the strongest person I know. I can't even imagine doing that. I would crumple in a heap with one day of that. It is everyday for her. She is only 8.
                    For those who deal with mental illness, I sincerely admire you. You might not be able to get everything done that I do. You wake up and get through the day. That is hard. I know it is. I see it everyday. You are strong. Know that when you get dressed someone is out there cheering. You eat and do everyday normal things somebody is cheering for you. When you go way above your comfort zone somebody is extremely proud of you. You will be in mind and my prayers.
       

Awareness to support the Special needs family

    I am writing this to myself as much as to other persons who might know other special needs families. I do have special needs children. I have first hand experience as to what support that is probably necessary. However, this is my list to help other families. This is not in any way a desire for myself as a disclaimer. This would be in my head as to how certain entities should go about helping their special needs families.

Church:
      I have done a lot of research in my area on the support of special needs families in a church family. The fact is simple they are not getting it. That is why 90% of families with special needs individuals do not attend church. The church does not invest in the family in the way it should. They have so many therapies, doctors and respite workers perhaps that are taking much better care of them. This is a failure on the Churches part because they should be the main care takers of these families. It is the main call of the church to take on the weak, lame and widowed. Yet most do not bother to help these families.
      How can a church serve a special needs family? Well make sure they are comfortable on Sunday. That would be based on the needs of the family. The church really needs to figure out how to get them to church. If they can't come then the church must go to them. Sunday is not the only day to serve. These families need to be connected with someone that has compassion. Someone that will call them at least twice a week besides Sunday. Special needs families are a lot of work. They don't bring monies to the Church usually. God says that you bring them to the table and surely you will be blessed beyond measure. Is it not worth the work, the labor to have blessing beyond measure from God? If I were a Church entity I would specifically be seeking these individuals out as Luke 14 commands.

Family

    Outside the immediate family the relatives can be a huge help. We have a lot going on. Extremely busy. Sometimes we are not going to call you. It is up to you not to be insulted. You have a phone too. We are just not thinking of calling you. I'm talking for other families. We will forget that Thank You note. We will not get back to you about a holiday meal until it is like the next week. Sometimes we are just not sure if we can make it happen. We might have to go to very specific places when we go somewhere. We might be a huge burden when it comes to food because most of our special needs individuals are quite picky. We might have to leave unannounced. We wouldn't feel bad about it either. It is what it is. We have had to leave so many places it isn't even funny. Places that we paid a lot for only to spend 10 minutes there. Our children might not have the nicest reaction to seeing their wonderful extended family. All of these things should be met with understanding and compassion. We want to spend time with our families but it is very difficult especially if there is travel involved.
     For those who live close, have your door wide open. Make sure they know that you are available to help. They are going to need it. It takes a lot. Even if you can just give the family a 2 hour break it would mean the world to them.

Friends

    Your friend that has a special needs individual in the house isn't going to call, txt or get a hold of you. That is not even on their third list. You are correct they are super busy. Waiting for them to call when they have an opportunity is a mistake. Give them a call. If you value them as a friend then get in touch with them. Otherwise they are pretty sure they don't have any. Really get to know there child or relative that has special needs. They are putting most of their time and effort in that person. It is very important to realize that what is an important person to your friend is worth your time. If you have a special needs child as well by all means they will seek your advise. However, a typical child is a whole different ball of wax. It would be like me as an Automotive technician giving jet technician some tech advise. Both are very difficult but completely different. We usually can't make it to things. We usually have therapies or meetings. We don't even know how to have a conversation with a typical parent to be honest with you. We usually have a very strict method of getting activities done for our children. Our plans go out the window and have to make up new ones before we reach the planned destination. Chaos is normal. We expect it to go wrong. These are things that might be different. We are tired. Exhausted sometimes not the best company. Be supportive in that. Call your friend up and ask them to come over when you are free. Don't ask them to schedule. Just find a free moment. They will take even a 10 minute coffee just to see someone else's face. They are going to need you. Some point they will need to you to stabilize the chaos. Be there.

Co-Workers

     This might be a shock. Most people who have special needs individuals in the house view work as a break. That's right work is better than home. So when you complain how hard work is and the chaos of the day, your special needs co-worker is just smiling away. Don't be mad. It is just a different perspective on what is a bad day. What is hard to deal with. I use to go to work all the time thinking about the blissful get away I was getting. I never had nice customers. Most of the time I got yelled at by at least one person a day. But I did enjoy my job. I enjoyed working with my co-workers because they did get it. Then I didn't have time to work. That is another thing about special needs families most of them have to have one person home. It is too much otherwise.


I hope this is helpful. It is getting close to the end of Autism Awareness month. I want to do my best to help families with special needs. In order to do that I have to look at some of the problems you would run into. These are nothing more than looking at them and deciding if you want to be  the best Church, Family member, Friend or Co-Worker to the family with special needs. They need all the support they can get. Sometimes it can seem like they are all alone dealing with some pretty tough issues. The question is will you be there for them?

Unbroken

    I often take notice of my scars on my knees. Most of the time I just see them as another part of who I am. Other times I think about the many times my broken body has been repaired over and over. I might in that instance get the inkling to feel a little sorry for myself. It is true that I have a significant thorn in my side in this world. It might be alright to feel a tad sorry for myself at times. Of course like a lot of people I do. However, I can’t possibly stay in that position for long. I think about what I have been given and can’t help but be very thankful.
    Christ lowered himself to come here. Seated in the heavens, left that came here of all places. In a human body He suffered as we do. All our ridiculous emotions and pain. He lived a perfect life without sin. Only to be punished in the most brutish fashion possible. When He was nearly dead, He was hung on a cross. At that moment the ultimate cruelty was placed upon Him. He was left utterly alone. Separated completely from God the Father. I thing that I will never experience. He did this for me. He broke His body, mind and spirit so mine would not suffer the same. He did this knowing full well the pain and suffering that would be endured. He rose from this brokenness, securing my unbroken bond with the Father.
     There is a lot of suffering here. A lot of things that cause pain. As someone who has an unbroken bond to the Father I’m am eternally blessed beyond measure. When compared to the suffering of Christ I am rich in Grace and Mercy. I will never have to suffer the separation of God. I never have to live not knowing His all consuming love. All the things that can possible cause me anguish, this thought washes them away. Peace comes in like the tide. I am Unbroken.

Letter to special needs parents 5 (a series)

Dear Special Needs Parents,
                   
             I was in a therapy session today. We were going over some of Leah's past experiences. I don't like going over them. Things come rushing back like a waterfall over my head. In a blinding rush of emotion. I think about the times that we had to rush her to the hospital not knowing if she would make it. Then the other times that her life flashed in front of my eyes in mere seconds as she would dash out in traffic or in a parking lot. Already 8 and brushed death more times than I can count on at least one hand. Those times, I felt in the moment so helpless. I felt like I had no control. Do you have times like these. Is your child medically critical? Is their behavior so impulsive that a second could change everything?
            We had four times where her blood sugar was so low that it would have been 30 minutes at the most before her body would shut down. I have had her run. She is super fast when she is angry. Like unbelievable fast. She has run into traffic in a parking lot or a busy street enough to drive me to panic in a parking lot. Parking lots scare me to death. I've had one time where I was on crutches unable to catch her. Unable to save her. Luckily her Grandma reached her just in time. It would have been over in 10 seconds. A dark very busy street just a little bitty thing darting. The thought just gives me terror even now two years later. It was two years ago. You better believe I helicopter like mad. I am unapologetic about it too. I don't want to let her out of my sight.
            The blood sugar thing was never really technically figured out. We do know she has somewhat of a hard time maintaining sugar levels even today. She will go into her night fast and wake in the morning throwing up. Ketones already trying to supplement her sugar supply. She gets into cycle vomiting that will send us to the ER. However, we haven't seen low blood sugar for nearly 2 years. We watch it like a hawk. We found that cornstarch helps maintain her levels. She is also taking medicine for stomach migraine that helps with vomiting. We really never know when these cycles will happen. It is very random and without warning. You just know that the end of it is the ER.
           The impulsive behavior is another matter all together. When she was 4 I had the resolve to not medicate her. I thought she was too young to be put on something. It took just seconds for me to change my mind. Seconds. I was in a parking lot. A very busy one. I lost my grip, she took off running. I got her right before she got to the really busy part. A car barely missing her. As soon as we were in the car, I made a call. Leah is fine about ninety percent of the time. It is the ten percent that we do not know what she is going to do with. These are times that you have to be alert and ready to protect her from...her.
            It is hard for me to reflect on these things. I know that I have to in some way get over them. I shouldn't be afraid of a parking lot. Do I have time to deal with these feelings? I just act. I just move on. When I think about them I can feel my heart beating fast, my breath quicken like I'm back in it. However, by the Grace of God Leah is still with us. Sound asleep, safe in her bed. Knowing that whatever panic I can dream up, God has the Grace to supply another day. I also can rejoice in the fact that I do not dwell in most cases. I most of the time take action. I most of time decide what needs to be done to prevent. I breathe and think tomorrow 'tis a new day.  I'm not all the way there in knowing everything about Leah. God does. I know that He gifted me her. Maybe not for me to strengthen her. Maybe she is to strengthen me. Maybe I'm suppose to hit my knees at these times and come to Him. Let Him have it. I write this as a way to work it out in my own mind. But just maybe someone feels the way I do.
Blessings,
Kandi

Letters to special needs parents 4 (a series)

Dear Special Needs parents,
 
    Are you like me? Are you knee deep in paperwork? Did you start getting an on slot of paperwork and think what purpose will this serve? What will it gain my child if I fill this or that out? What is the best for my child? I have ask these questions myself. Most of the time it wasn't self motivated pressure that caused me to fill them out. Most of the time an event happened where I had not a choice but to start pen to paper. In that moment it wasn't a hardship but a hope that I could make it better for them. If I could make it better, I shall.  Soon as I did this a couple of times when it was panic driven. I started seeing the results of paths that I lad forth. Now I do not wait until panic sets in. I just fill the paperwork out. Still with a sense of loathing. However, the hope that it provides lurks ever so slightly enough for me to be able to finish the tasks.
    The problem for me waiting for panic to set in is paperwork takes time to process. It isn't a instant fix. Things have to be assembled. In the meantime you are one desperate parent. Desperation is not a good place to be as a special needs parent. We are already on the verge of it anyway. It is best to have paperwork prepared and sent in. I had to learn this the hard way. Certainly I can help others not. If your child needs help with something; go get it. It will be a pain for you by all means. It will be time consuming and trying to find the avenue to get it can be very frustrating. I have chased some things for a year and half. An all consuming chase. In the end it was well worth it. The amount of effort had blossomed into growth for my child. I spent two years trying to get mental health services for my other child. I wasted not a second for the effort. She has grown and hope springs like wildflowers in spring.
     I realized I am far more determined(stubborn) then most. I realize that when I set my mind on something I will not stop. I realize that a lot of people are not like that. It is hard to be like that. One can get very frustrated by the process. By the failure rather than the hope of success and chose to turn around. I say take a break, sit and regroup. I have done that many times. Take a different path but take it in the same direction. I take things by inches. If I fail in one area but gained access to something that might lead me to something else I succeeded there. I have failed many times to get certain things. I kept pushing. I kept gaining. It is the only way I know how. My children can't do things right now. So I must get them access to be able to give them the skills to learn how. Sometimes we do not have all the answers for them. It is hard is it not? As parents to say they need more than me. They need this person or that.
    I would say this to those who are Christ centered as I. We already should  have that viewpoint. They do need more than you. You should be second. Christ is first. They need Christ first. God knows the needs of His special ones. He wants those to be able to serve them in kindness. They are certainly out there. Give them the opportunity to do such. It will bring blessings upon them. While they bring blessings upon you. Do not try and shoulder all of it. God did not mean for that do be. We all have ways to bless through serving others. Sometimes paperwork is required, ok most of the time. Sometimes it is not. When you get that said paperwork know that can mean hope, kindness and opportunity. Where desperation lies instead. Take up the pen.
Blessings,
Kandi

The easiest things as a Special Needs parent

     I was going to make just one point in this post. It is a huge point and needs to be said. However, as I was thinking there is actually two things that have maybe equal importance as a parent. We now that it most things it is very difficult to be a parent to those with special needs. It takes a lot of patience. Sometimes that has to be learned, painfully learned. It takes a selfless drive that most people have a hard time with. It takes a willingness to fail unmercifully over and over again. However, I say to you that without this failure success is not possible. We have to fail in order to succeed. That is how success happens.
     We wonder as special needs parent who are also Christians how am I going to teach them Christ. How can I possibly get them to understand? Will they be lost? How do I know that they are in God's hand. This is easy. Christ seeks out those who are crippled, blind and deaf. It says so in Luke 14. We also know that the majority of His ministry is healing special needs individuals. Saving those with special needs. Luke14:13-14"But when you give a reception, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14 and you will be blessed, since they do not have the means to repay you; for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." We as special needs parents have been BLESSED. We have had them placed at our table. Christ has invited them to our table through means of family. Christ seeks them and means to bless them. This is the easiest part of being a special needs parent. Christ has specifically called upon us to minister to these individuals. We have been blessed with the opportunity in our own household. This is something to be extremely grateful for. In our own family we are bringing Glory to God.
     Also as a special needs parent your child with most likely exceed the expectations you have placed on them. If you have a typical child you might have enormous dreams for your child. They may never meet those expectations. Individuals with special needs will meet expectations and exceed. They might not be typical but they will work hard. They will surprise the amount of effort. The amount of joy in life they bring. We can rejoice in these things. We do not want to dwell long in the grief of not having a typical child. There is reasons that God knows that they are not typical. Sometimes we have circumstances that caused the disability but we need to remember that God does not make mistakes. God knows what we need. I speak to you as an individual who has faith. If we are to understand these things in this prospective then understand you are blessed beyond measure. Your family has a much higher chance to glorify God. We all get these opportunities of course. However, not everyday that God purposely places someone at your table that He says will be a blessing to you. Do not grieve that but rejoice.