Encouraging a special needs parent

     You can look at a special needs parent and think this is not easy. We have to deal with a lot of challenges. We deal with a lot of frustrations. We also have a lot of love flowing in our house. We also have victories that we celebrate. We are happy. I want to go through some of the things that can be encouraging to a special needs parent.


1) We are sorry that someone is going through a hardship. It is very difficult. The best thing to say is I'm here for you. Be there to listen. They might want to just talk about other things. They might want someone to take their minds off of the many things they face on a daily basis. I'm sorry that I've had a number of knee surgeries. I really am. I am not sorry for my children.

2) Try to be positive about their life. Find something that is going for them and say it. It could be just what they are wearing at the moment. It could be that they think they handle things well. That they have a lot of strength. Even if they feel weak having someone say they are strong might help. A honest positive reinforcement statement can replace a negative they have in their head. 


3) A lot of parents like to talk about future events of their children. What they are going to do in a couple of years. It is important for a special needs parent to just be concerned about today maybe tomorrow. With so many questions yet to be answered there really is no reason to start looking ahead. It would be very encouraging to understand that piling things in a day is just not possible with a special needs child. I get my children outside I scored. It is very difficult to think about taking this or that class. I can however think about tomorrow. 

4) Realizing that parenting a special needs child is a new realm. They say that parenting does not come with a manual however they try. Special needs parenting really does not come with one. It is trying, trying, trying, succeeding, losing the skill and trying again. There is no set protocol and every one is different. While consequences work for Sharon they do not work for Leah. In fact, anything that works for Sharon does not work for Leah. 

5) Let them come to you for progress updates or how they are doing. I try and know as much about Sharon and Leah as I can. I try and answer questions that I get asked. However, I don't have all the answers. I don't know what their future holds. I feel like I fail on a daily basis. When Sharon was first was diagnosed people asked me questions that I did not have the answer to. I would point them to the internet. Worst thing ever. They will learn and get excited about learning. If they want to come and share they will. I would advice special needs parents that the more somebody knows about your child the more comfortable they are. That is my experience anyway.  

Lastly the best learning experience in this life is to know a special needs person. I know this because I have experienced a lot of things. The most I have ever learned is from being the mother of Sharon and Leah. What they have taught me about life can't be replaced. They experience this world in a completely different way. The parents are part of that. The world that was once concrete becomes fluid enough to change you. That is not always a bad thing.  

  With that being said, I had asked another mother to write down her experience. I hope you enjoy her piece. She is also much better with words. 

My name is Emily. I’m a friend of Kandi’s, and I have two kids on the spectrum: a nine-year-old son and a five-year-old daughter.

My younger sister has four small children, soon to be five. My oldest nephew is six years old. My oldest nephew. Five kids, six and under, all neurotypical. I can’t even imagine.

I don’t understand her life, but I try to encourage her to be the best mom she can. I’m not always good at it.

She doesn’t understand mine, either. Here’s the thing, though. I can’t imagine anyone more supportive or encouraging to me, even though we live far apart.

She approaches my kids with kindness when we visit, and loves them well, just the way they are. She doesn’t offer parenting advice; she understands that she doesn’t understand. Every time I speak to her, she wants to know how they’re doing, and she asks me, and she listens.

My sister understands that we are all here to learn from each other. To support someone in your life with a disability, or raising kids with disabilities, that’s all you need to do. Listen and learn.

You don’t have to say much. “That sounds hard,” maybe, but really the best thing you can do is celebrate the child’s progress. “That’s great,” my sister will say. “I’m so proud of him/her.” She understands it’s not about my parenting. It’s all about the kids.

You don’t need to do anything but bear that in mind. You’re not here to wow us, or be our teachers, and there’s no pressure on you to do that. Don't worry. We’re all here to learn. Every last one of us.

 

Defining the problem

      I have wanted to write something for quite a while. It has been a week or something. As I saw the swarm on social media with the hashtag LoveWins, I was thinking. We have a problem with defining some things. I often hear a lot of definitions get mixed up but this one stood out. Love in a human is a fickle thing. Love in itself is an absolute. It comes from God. I know there already are people who are offended. I don't mean to offend anybody. So if you see the word God and immediately get offended please stop reading. This is not for you. If you think I am writing this post with anything but love please stop reading, this is not for you either. This post is for people who can realize I am a human with a heart. I am just a human. I constantly question just like you. I am no longer searching. I do not look to the latest tread or what is socially acceptable to decide what to believe. I tried that, it gave me a lot of migraines. It wasn't myself who decided that I should stop writing principles on a dry erase board but God. He stepped in and said stop it. So I did. I now go by the principles that are in the Bible. I don't erase them based on what is popular in culture. Here is the thing, I don't care if that makes me unpopular. I really don't. I care that at the end of the day that I'm closer to God. It doesn't mean that I'm perfect, far be it. It just means that I have a different outlook. It doesn't mean I hate everybody else's outlook. It just means that my outlook is best for me.
     When I think of love winning I don't think of a government ordinance or ruling. I think of something completely different. I don't think of a government handing out love. I think of things recently that define love winning. I think of a mother handing over a child to a couple that can love it and take care of it better. I think adoption as love winning. I think seeing  that child in his/her mothers' arms for the first time knowing that it is what God intended as love winning. I think that a person that knows their child is going to be born with huge problems chooses to love them no matter is love winning. It only wins 10% of the time but that is when love wins, my friend. I believe that when somebody is brutally raped in the most horrible way ends up pregnant. I believe when that mother decides to keep the child love wins. I believe that when you look at a person that you have nothing in common with other than the fact that you have blood flowing in your veins; and you love them anyway, love wins. I believe that when a child that wakes up in the morning just to fight you and at the end of the day they can say "I love You", love wins. I believe that when somebody risks their life for another love wins. I believe that when people dig for days in hopes to finding a healthy heart beat and does, love wins. Love wins every single day in a lot of hearts. It doesn't have to be a ruling from a government official. It comes from God who works in us to do the things we would otherwise be unwilling to do. That is when love wins.
    I know you are thinking that I am able to marry who I want so love wins. That is actually you winning not love. Love is not only patient and kind. It also is as a parent and disciplines. We all want that fuzzy part of love that gives us wonderful feelings. Real love sometimes comes from a place that you didn't expect. Sometimes it is going through a struggle and being stronger in the end. Love never ends it is ongoing. It doesn't take a break. It doesn't say hey lets see other people. It  has been won on Calvary with blood and water in Jesus. So when somebody says I believe what the Bible says, they believe love won on that cross. It is something that they do not take lightly. They are probably going to love you faults and all. They will tell you the truth when you need to be told. They will love you through the back lash. Who knows maybe one day you can see what they see. That is in fact what Jesus did for them. I don't know. I can only speak for myself.