It seemed simple solution in the end. We put Leah in a controlled routine maybe she wouldn't have gone that deep. However, remember where we started. She was in the hospital prior to this whole thing. She was in the hospital for 5 days. She had a cyclic vomiting episode. She also was not toileting properly. She was very anxious about having to go back in the hospital. We were to. This was the beginning of quarantine. They were not really taking things in like that. Step one was to get over that. My main concern at this point was keep Leah out of hospital. Lazer focused on it.
The second part came when Leah became frustrated. Therapies weren't there. We couldn't go anywhere. She could only see us. Quite frankly she was sick of us. We zoomed some people but screen time just frustrated her even further. She wanted the real thing not a box. She started putting holes in my walls. We at this point made the first medication adjustment.
The third part was her sinking into a depression. This became months of telling me she had no desire to be on this planet. How dare I give birth to her. A lot of language of this sort. I had come to realize compartmentalize these thoughts. Some of them were from different parts of her.
The fourth was really painstakingly getting her to recognize her emotions. We separated them into personalities because they are that big. Angry Leah, Sad Leah, Happy Leah etc. Now that her anxiety is down I can really see who I'm dealing with given any moment. When her anxiety is high she flutters too much. I have no idea. I only take communication from calm Leah. I only make decisions with Calm Leah. Leah has to invite Calm Leah to talk to me if she wants me to make decisions.
In between that time we had another medication adjustment. We had two safety issues that caused this change. Made it completely necessary to change what we were doing. This is the medicine she is now on. It has really helped her.
We had those things in place. She had a better understanding once I started the controlled routine. I used all of my language I had prepped her with before. Things fell into place do to the previous work that was established.
I had read a book on Borderline personality disorder. Called Get me out of Here. Leah doesn't have Borderline or bipolar. She probably somewhere in-between. However this book gave me some understanding in how I could help Leah. Also how Leah was feeling because the person was doing a lot of the same behaviors. Although she being an adult so some were different. I was able to implement strategies that the therapist was using on Leah.
I learned a lot during this process. I felt like in the end as I'm writing this what the purpose of the valley was. I came in the valley with not a clue as to who Leah was. I struggled with some of the things she did. Why she did them. People do things for a purpose. Especially autistic people. They generally have a logical purpose for a behavior. It is usually to communicate. I feel now I have a better understanding of Leah. I can tell you exactly what mood she is in . I can probably even be able to predict the movements in that mood.
If it wasn't for the valley and this process maybe I wouldn't be here now. Maybe I still wouldn't know Leah. Thinking about that makes me feel awful. As hard and unbelievably scary as that valley was I'm thankful for it. Struggles teach us Lessons. Sometimes they teach us the hardest most important lessons. I'm on the other side of it. Leah will always be complex. In the end the valley was my place to find Leah. We had to go there. Thanks be to God I truly understand who she is.
