When I became a christian, I became less disappointed in myself. I didn't of myself become a better person. I just realized that the failures that I can never seem to fix are no longer up to me. I was able to let those go. I kept on failing, I still fail on a daily basis. God said it is ok, trust that I have taken care of it. You see I can't be the one who fixes me. I am a broken wretch so to speak. If I tried as I have in so many ways I fail. I am weak. I completely and totally admit it. Jesus, is my strength, the fixer. I will give an example that I was just thinking about.
I have recently inquired a handicap sticker for Leah. It is to help get us in a facility faster, thus less panic attacks for me. It is not for me. It is not for when I want to park closer to the store or somewhere without Leah. I have not used it in this manner as of yet. I hope and pray that I don't. Knowing me and the fact that I am a human it will probably happen. I will probably be without Leah and use the handicap sticker for myself. It is completely wrong to do so. I know that. Will it stop me in that an instance where I can't find a parking spot other than handicap? Probably not. I'm going to feel awful about it. I'm probably even writing this example so I don't do it. It won't matter. I am human. I make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We all have issues.
I am Christian for two reasons 1)I can't fix myself 2) Jesus is the ultimate fixer. This obviously makes me a better human right? No, no, no if I come across like that I profusely apologize. I am needy, weak and quite prideful. I know how weak I am, yet my self esteem is well intact. It is that kind of arrogance that should be fixed. I will boast of my weakness. I can write you books and books of my wrong doings. I want to be good. I wake up with every intention of being good. The times I am I know it is not me. I Praise the Lord for the work He does in me. If I am any encouragement at all, realize I'm going to fail. I work hard at being better, knowing Christ is doing the heavy lifting. In this life, I am handicapped by my failures. God releases me from the burden of them.
Kandi, Greg and Girls
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Saturday, May 9, 2015
My Motivation
I have written about a lot of things. Weight loss, autism, loss, pain, and grace. I want to take the time for Mothers Day to write about what first motivated me. I didn't truly believe in God until I was about 25 or 26. Until then it was finding something in this world that would keep me going. I will tell you that was hard. It was hard to deal with pain on a daily basis with no hope. Fortunately, God always had a hand in my life. He gave me something that kept me going through my teenage years: A Mother.
I was 11 when migraines hit me. I would miss 2-3 days of school a week. I was physically sick during that time. Could not eat or drink during the headache. The only thing they had to give me for the pain was narcotics. That was the technology at the time. They found out later that narcotics are the worst thing for migraines. I knew what was ahead. My grandma had them and I had gotten them from her. She still got them. It was very, very difficult for me. I became very angry. I didn't know it at the time but I was extremely angry for having this affliction. It had became a routine for me to go to the pill bottle, and contemplate taking them all. It was one thing that really stopped me. I really didn't want to be that for my mother. I would play out the grieve that my mother would have. I could not do that to her. So I would take what I needed and fought the next day. It is still the same in a sense today.
I still have pain. It is still a struggle. It is a lot easier than it was. I know that what strength that I do not have God gives it to me. I hardly think about the pain that is a constant in my life. I have been given the Grace to let that go. Every once in a while I will get overwhelmed by it. It does not consume me like it did when I was younger. I am not dealing with it. I am going to do the things I need to do. I may be weak, but He is strong. It really is the difference. I wish I could say that in and of myself that I could handle things. The truth is that I can't. I wouldn't know where to begin to handle half the stuff that happens with my physical body. Let alone the other things that go on outside of that. My experiences have aloud me to know things. I am no longer angry. I feel content that the things that happen in my life are making me stronger and more equipped.
One of the things about being someone's child is along the way you want to be what they expected. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I wake up in the morning and I still don't want to disappoint her. I want to be the person that she intended me to be. It wasn't that she had these over blown expectations. She wanted me to be happy, responsible, respectful and loving. She wasn't expecting me to be a billionaire or be famous. She wanted me to make a life for myself. I am happy. I try everyday to be responsible respectful and loving. If I am not I know that I can try again tomorrow. Another thing about my mother she is extremely patient. She would wait for us to realize or mistakes.
When I had my first child I named her after my mother. After all in a way I wouldn't have gotten past my teenage years without her. I wouldn't of had a chance to have a child. I thought to myself if I am half the mother that she is, we will be okay. I am not the person my mother is by any means. Obviously she has faults as well. I am not going to say that I had a perfect mother. I know that she was perfect for me. I hope I am that for my children.
I was 11 when migraines hit me. I would miss 2-3 days of school a week. I was physically sick during that time. Could not eat or drink during the headache. The only thing they had to give me for the pain was narcotics. That was the technology at the time. They found out later that narcotics are the worst thing for migraines. I knew what was ahead. My grandma had them and I had gotten them from her. She still got them. It was very, very difficult for me. I became very angry. I didn't know it at the time but I was extremely angry for having this affliction. It had became a routine for me to go to the pill bottle, and contemplate taking them all. It was one thing that really stopped me. I really didn't want to be that for my mother. I would play out the grieve that my mother would have. I could not do that to her. So I would take what I needed and fought the next day. It is still the same in a sense today.
I still have pain. It is still a struggle. It is a lot easier than it was. I know that what strength that I do not have God gives it to me. I hardly think about the pain that is a constant in my life. I have been given the Grace to let that go. Every once in a while I will get overwhelmed by it. It does not consume me like it did when I was younger. I am not dealing with it. I am going to do the things I need to do. I may be weak, but He is strong. It really is the difference. I wish I could say that in and of myself that I could handle things. The truth is that I can't. I wouldn't know where to begin to handle half the stuff that happens with my physical body. Let alone the other things that go on outside of that. My experiences have aloud me to know things. I am no longer angry. I feel content that the things that happen in my life are making me stronger and more equipped.
One of the things about being someone's child is along the way you want to be what they expected. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I wake up in the morning and I still don't want to disappoint her. I want to be the person that she intended me to be. It wasn't that she had these over blown expectations. She wanted me to be happy, responsible, respectful and loving. She wasn't expecting me to be a billionaire or be famous. She wanted me to make a life for myself. I am happy. I try everyday to be responsible respectful and loving. If I am not I know that I can try again tomorrow. Another thing about my mother she is extremely patient. She would wait for us to realize or mistakes.
When I had my first child I named her after my mother. After all in a way I wouldn't have gotten past my teenage years without her. I wouldn't of had a chance to have a child. I thought to myself if I am half the mother that she is, we will be okay. I am not the person my mother is by any means. Obviously she has faults as well. I am not going to say that I had a perfect mother. I know that she was perfect for me. I hope I am that for my children.
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