Mental Crisis a Series: Rising Up

 I called Leah out of her room. I told her exactly what was going to happen in the following weeks. I told her it was going to be hard. I wasn't going to give her an inch. I didn't. 

When my husband got home I informed him that I was going to be hard. I was a drill sergeant. I told Leah where to sit. Where to eat. When to move. Keep in mind, her frontal lobe was in disarray. In complete chaos. I made her decisions for a time.  All of which I expected to be followed without fail. 

    . I took it one day at a time. Making sure Leah was benefiting. It really didn't take long before Leah came back to us. 

  This was a move that I made based on her need for control. She needs control. However, she tries to control everything herself parts of herself are in complete chaos. Therefore, where she failed I would not. Thus, I gave her the safety she absolutely needed. She was in the controlled routine that her autistic brain needed. It worked she felt safe. Safer then she felt in a long time. 

  I know what you are thinking. Whoa, harsh much. I would say that written down on paper it looks to be that way. However, she was screaming for me to take control. She was desperate for a safety net. I wanted to stay in a safety zone myself was deaf to it. I realized that I had to go out on the high wire for her. I had to be at a place where I was strong enough to do this. I had to put my fear aside and do what she needed. 

We were in this together. When she hit that place of I don't see anyone to keep me safe. It was time for me let go of misgivings. I choose to give her everything I had to pull her out. 

As time moved on she tried to gain control. I refused to let her have any of it. I explained her situation. This was when she was in a calm mood. She has no understanding of authority. So we have to establish that. I repeat that for her. I'm the adult, her authority, her safety. She is the child under my authority, my safety. I'm teaching her to be an adult. We repeated this. I have her say it back to me. 

 The other thing I make sure she does is receive forgiveness. This is a choice I give her. When she made a mistake.  She can be under consequence still. I am ready to give her forgiveness but she must receive it. I praise her for this. It is not easy to forgive herself. It never had been easy. 

   We also had conversations about her emotions. Why she needs to let calm Leah make decisions. When angry Leah has been making decisions she ends up in consequence. Leah worked hard. She didn't take long to follow the routine I set. She dropped several very bad habits almost immediately. In that she gained independence. She during this time learned to independently shower and brush her teeth. This gave her a sense of pride. She is still in a controlled routine. However, she is not in the boot camp phase. I established for about 2 weeks. 

The results of this have been dramatic. Her anxiety has dropped down so much. She transitions without a fight at all. The meltdowns that we see two or three times a day are once or twice a week. I'm not expecting her to not have meltdowns. As an autistic that would be impossible. Especially the age she is at. However, I'm proud of her to be able to utilize the coping skills we've worked on. The whole team is quite astounded. 

  My husband asked me why we didn't do this before. As I refected before it was because of her self harm. Her physical control that she would always revert to. She would stop toileting. She would start vomiting. We end up in the hospital. There was no availability to be able start this particular boot camp. As in everything in life there is a purpose and time. She was ready and mature enough for this instruction. 

  I made it a point to involve everyone in this plan. That was key. Every single person had to be on board. Communication is the key. Also to keep me in check as well. Especially her behavioral therapist. We really had to make sure we were on the right track. My main concern was Leah getting to a healthier place. A place that she was happier. 

I'm am extremely blessed to report that she is no longer talking about not wanting to be here. She actually talks about the future again. She finds happiness in the small things like she use to. My Leah finally found her way out of the valley. I'm profoundly proud of her. She has done a lot of work. We have a couple more stops. Next up Faith ends Fear

Mental Crisis a Series: Rock Bottom

 Leah in the process of going through this time went through lows. She had times when she was even. She had times when she was in deep depression. We made adjustments as she went though this process. It came clear that the direct that we were taking was wrong. 

  Autistics in general do not like change. Transitions are very difficult. In this time that seemed all there was for Leah. We had to make a huge change with quarantine. We changed what we were doing with school. We had to readjust when that was not working. We made adjustments with medications. Also made adjustments for therapy. It was a walking nightmare for Leah. 

  She let us know that she was in a nightmare. She didn't do much as use words. Communication is hard as well. Her behavior was erratic. It was impulsive. Her words became sharp and meant to sting. Absolutely no one was exempted in this wrath. She had the worst for her sister. It was easier because there was little resistance coming back. On the piggie back of this was her overwhelming guilt. She herself did not understand her lashing out. She felt terribly guilty. Hence these bouts lead to her not wanting to live. Nearly everyday she would discuss her desire for this. 

  We had no idea one day or the next what Leah was going to do. Towards the end it was just me and my husband that was available to watch Leah. Although I tried to inquire for another respite worker it was not available to us. Sometimes I had to have Sharon or Leah sit with Daddy at work. The clinics don't allow siblings in appointments. We have a lot of those. Leah's behavior was not to be left with someone who at least had a decent idea. Even at that it was still is risky. She had times when she would run. She would hide in the most odd places.She once camouflaged in a cow costume in the closet. Luckily, I had a mind for these places. We've had to restraint her several times. 

It was my Birthday. Sharon had camp that was available for teens. Leah didn't qualify due to her age. We only have some options as a neurodiverse family. We have to have extra support. Most camps don't provide that. So we have about 2 or 3 choices in our area. They did not fit in our schedule. I did get Leah in an art camp for a week. Also art lessons. On this particular day I lost all control of Leah. I had an appointment that I had to cancel. I had to just wait out Leah so that we could go home. I was exhausted and defeated. I was ready to look for an inpatient facility. Still not sure if that was a right decision. It would mostly be out of state. It would be more of a sedition and hold. Rather than a productive time. 

 I sent Leah to her room that day. I sent an email to her team. I called my mother and cried. I cried for the pain Leah was in. I cried for the pain I was in. We both decided that I needed to take control for her. That I needed to start a behavioral boot camp of my own. I needed to drive the bus. 

Leah and I hit rock bottom that day. I refused to lose one more second. I started what I referred to as boot camp that day. That day we rose from the valley. The next in the series is Rising Up. 

  

Mental Crisis a Series: Refection

 During this time I spent almost all of my time in thought. If I wasn't with Leah I was thinking about Leah. I was thinking about what the past. Refecting what got us to this point. What could I have done differently? Was there more help that I could have gotten her? What am I missing in this puzzle? Where do we go from here? 

Special needs parents are always questioning their decision. It's a natural occurrence. We have no basis to go by. Thus when a problem occurs surely it was a mistake that was made on our part. I delved into my memory. Consulted her team about some of her past issues. I brutally beat myself for tiny things. Realized that in fact I couldn't have done things different. I made decisions based off circumstances. Those decisions were the right ones at the time. Are they right ones for her now? No. I had to evolve. That is what I concluded

I have had Leah in many therapies. During Covid some were just discontinued. She wanted to participate in them. It was hard for her to understand. I also wanted to look for another options that would help her in her new stage that she found herself in. However, during the Covid period Mental Health became a luxury not essential. Which with everything that I am I will tell you Mental Health is extremely essential. This lack of availability to help my daughter made me angry. I'm not one to get angry. However, I was and am livid. 

   I knew that in the middle of all this I still am missing information. I started trying to find similar examples of Leah. I talked to a very close friend daily. The closest to Leah. They are the most helpful in my opinion. The best thing a parent can possibly do is talk to an autistic adult. They are logical and can give information that your child can't at least not yet. Also I have read up on bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder. However, these are all based on brains that are neurotypical. Where does that leave Leah? She is autistic. Completely different brain type. This was a puzzle to me. I concluded there should be a more nuerodiverse DSM. 

  Where do I go from here? This was a question that took me down a long path. We had to hit bottom before we went up. We were in a deep valley. However, during this time that valley got pretty low. We only had a few people that kept us from sinking in the quicksand. I really am thankful for that. 

   Also in this reflection I want to make note of what love is. Love doesn't falter. It doesn't walk away. It abides in the darkest of times. It remembers that a bright light will surely come. When love is present victory will be gained. With that in mind, on to Rock Bottom. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Medication

 Medication is not always essential for treatment in mental illness. In some cases in could be a hindrance. This depends on the diagnosis. I must again declare I'm not an expert on the subject. I have read several books on the subject to help Leah. That is the extent on my knowledge. 

In the case of Leah medication is necessary. When did I think it was necessary? Just as a medical problem. When her life was at risk. I hope we are detecting a pattern here. The brain is the most crucial part of the human body. The complexity of it is overwhelming. Yet we get a little skittish about wanting to treat that part of our body. If I break a bone I'm going to go in and have a doctor put a cast on that limb. My mind is doing some crazy thing, nope leave that alone. I don't think so. The brain controls every other part of your person. It should be sound. 

Another example is a diabetic needs insulin to control their sugar levels. It is crucial they do this depending on the type of diabetes. We don't question this. However, I get questioned about why I have Leah on medication. The simple answer is she needs it. Why else would I have her on it? 

I will go back to the diabetic example in explanation. Sugar levels go up and down. You have to base insulin usually based on that. This is similar to medication for Leah. She grows and we have to adjust. Her hormones change we need to adjust. This was the case during our time in this crisis. She went through a growth spurt. She also is dealing with hormonal changes. 

I went through two different medicine changes during this time. This was to adjust to the changes in her body. This helped stabilize her. Once we were on stabile ground then therapy started to get better. She was able to be in a little bit better control. 

In general a person with ADHD needs medicine. We had that in the news recently. A athlete unable to perform because they could not take their medicine. It throws everything off because the mind is the center of your entire being. It is not some small little issue that you should be able to work past. 

Leah happens to have ADHD and a form of mood disorder. We are on a non stimulant, an antianxiety and mood stabilizer. This has worked well for her. When she is older it might change. She might not need one medication or the other. Mental illness like diabetes or other medical chronic illnesses has to be maintained. Usually that maintenance involves therapy and medication. The next step in our journey is reflection.

Mental Crisis a Series: Therapy

 A crucial element in dealing with Mental Illness is therapy. In our case we were lucky. We had a team that continued to see us in the midst of Covid. We stopped one therapy service during this time. 

Therapy is a very personal experience. Leah needed this done in person. In my opinion this is not a video service. Mental health is about connecting. It is about building a relationship. This can't be done through a screen. A person can hide a lot through a screen. When you are in front of someone this is not the case. 

Leah did not do well in zoom. She was not able to focus. We accomplished nothing when doing something on video. This was with school or therapy. I had a therapist that refused in person. This concluded our time with them. My main concern was Leah's health. She was in danger. It was obvious to everyone on our team that zoom didn't cut it. 

The therapy team we are currently have tirelessly pulled Leah to a safe place. Communication is key. She had several therapists who worked together.

In general the reason mental health should be in person is connection. It is pure and simple. A mentally ill person might only get one person or persons that they can talk to. That person might very well be their therapist. The only time they get to see someone. That alone should be a reason to make sure they are met in person. You see because that person matters. Their life matters. In the next stop in our journey is medication. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Defined

What does a Mental Crisis mean? How does one have a Mental Crisis? How does that effect the person having one? Is there anyway to prevent a Mental Crisis? I will answer these questions. Keep in mind I'm just a mother. I'm not an expert. Also I believe in my case with my daughter no one is. I will get to that later in the series. 

 A Mental Crisis is the same as a medical crisis. A patient is in critical condition. Without prevention the patient will not survive. What exactly does that mean? A person who is going through a Mental Crisis no longer has value for life. This could be a matter of months, days or hours. In our case it was months. 

 A lot of things can prevent a Mental Crisis. In a mentally ill person it might not be preventable. Certainly in the circumstances we found ourselves it was not. 

Leah found herself in a position in the middle of Covid quarantine. She just came out of her fourth hospital stay from an ongoing medical problem. She is entering that teenage time that we all love. Also having her services completely cut off or limited during quarantine. 

The fact that our family found ourselves on the other side we are extremely blessed. Other families were not as blessed. The Covid restrictions were more deadly to us than actual Covid. I don't say this lightly. I say the truth. While we tend to look at a medical thing like Covid. People don't realize that mental illness is a silent killer. It is silent for a lot of reasons. We don't speak of it. Did you know the suicide rate was higher than Covid deaths? Another silence. When you are not mentally well you can have moments of deep dark thoughts. Impulsiveness takes over. Cognitive thought no longer exists. Deadly consequences are the result. Many times you hear people talk about someone they lost. "I just talked to them an hour ago" "They seemed happy" 

Leah during this time fluttered in and out of deep darkness. Knowing the state she was in she was never alone. This was a tiring effort. Also we desperately kept at looking for a way to save her from the darkness. This Journey continues with Therapy. 

Mental Crisis a Series: Intro

 I'm doing a series of the last year of going through Covid with Mental Illness . It is important to visit this topic. We need to bring awareness to both topics.

I do have trigger warning prior to reading this series. Hence, this introduction. If you are at all triggered by Covid please refrain. Covid brings strong emotions and isn't my main focus. In the same since I will be mostly focusing on suicide. This can also be a sensitive subject as well. My goal in this is to bring awareness to Mental illness not to trigger anger. This is my personal experience. Others have a different prospective.  

Finally, this is a journey that we took with my daughter Leah. I have gotten permission from Leah to write this series. It will be in my own view and personal involvement. Leah wants to be understood. My goal is that we can get closer to that. If you go on this journey keep that in mind 

Kandi