I wear many hats. I am a follower of Christ, wife, mother, advocate and somewhat of a word smith. However, I am a caregiver. The guardian of lives and it will become very legal soon. That particular job is probably the hardest. My time is not mine. It's separated into the ones I care for.
The hardest part of being a caregiver is allowing time just for myself. Most people have to force themselves to exercise. Force themselves to eat healthy. I have to force myself to sit. To not move to the next thing. Even my time with God is during exercise. I spend an hour and a half a day exercising. My mind is never at rest.
I'm writing this because I did just sit this morning. However I feel guilty. Beyond guilty for doing so. I could be doing so many things rather than just sit here. I was fine when the cat was laying on me. I after all am giving my lap to the cat. So it would be so rude to move him.
I am constantly thinking of ways I could be more efficient. I could of done this day better. What went wrong with this situation? How can I be better for the next time it happens? Worried that I made a poor choice in a decision when it comes to my girls.
I have been making decisions for Sharon nearly 18 years. When she hits that milestone very soon, I will still be making decisions for her. It is very taunting, In this rest period I am still not relaxed. I am thinking about this mountain of responsibility now legally required of me. Forgive me, my processing this openly.
I know several things. God is my strength. He is the Captain of this very broken ship of mine. I know in Him I can rest. In some ways I do. I know that whatever happens in a day, I'm going to get through it. Some days it feels impossible. I can tell you some wild stories that you wouldn't believe. I had days where I couldn't believe that I got through it. The faith it takes to let God drive your ship to shore is hard. However, I cling to that because I have to.
God is the ultimate caregiver. I can only imagine with the small responsibility I have. It leaves me in awe and gratitude. He wants me to rest. He set aside a day for rest. One of the things I am not obedient in at all. I want to be though. I want to realize that taking time for myself isn't bad. It is necessary for my health.
I was asked if I would tell a friend the things I tell myself. I obviously said no. It would be rude and hurtful to do so. I am writing this now and it came to me. I am also harming what is God's. I am His. That is the crux of it.
I need to work on that. I need to be a caregiver to myself.
I hope that we as caregivers can learn to rest. We go at such a pace that it is astounding. We are on call 24/7. There is not a day off. However, moments can be spared. We can allow ourselves rest in those moments.
~Kandi
