I try to be as positive as I can. I truly do. I believe I am blessed. Even in the struggles that I have been given those are blessings. The children I have been given have been the greatest of all gifts. If I have been given neurotypical children I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't be half as determined. I wouldn't know the things I know. I thank the Lord everyday for that. If I hadn't of had the knee surgeries and the grueling recovery I wouldn't have the amount of patience that I do now. The migraines have given me a since of resolve. To be able to take the toughest situation and get through it. This has all prepared me. He trained me. He gave me these things. When you run a marathon you don't just go to the starting line. You prepare. Even with the people placed in my life. I think back on it. All were placed specifically to help. It is amazing to me. All that has been done to guide me. I wasn't there on my own. I always had that "personal trainer" that everything to push me. The things I struggle with is when I ignore the instruction. This year has been a rough year. I had a lot of years where I have struggled with my physical issues. They were there of course. This year I struggled to mentally survive. I was exhausted. I was just going through the motions. I lost interest in so many things. I suppose in a way went into a depression.
One would of suggested to talk to someone. That would have been ideal. The problem in the state I was in contacting someone was nearly impossible. It is such now. I get stuck. I also feel like I have no time at all. Which technically is true. I have 7 therapies going on with consults, 2 social workers, and SSI. I know that is the girls. I have an a massive amount of help concerning them. All of which has to be managed. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't want another appointment. I didn't want to deal with another doctor really. I also have a real issue with not wanting to bother people. I don't really like to delve so much into how I feel. Ironic I'm doing it now. I feel it is important to give my girls a voice. I feel like it is important to talk about the things that would effect them. It was a tidal wave of the things we were dealing with. I didn't even realize that I got sucked down in. Then found myself at the bottom drowning there. I thought hmmm this is no good. Here is the thing everyday is new. God raises the sun each day. We get the chance to start fresh. We get the chance to let Him raise it and not ourselves. We get the chance to let it go. I will do that starting tomorrow.
What does that mean exactly? I had a goal I set aside. A project. I will start that project back up tomorrow. In doing so I will be doing no social media for at least 3 months. I will be using my free time to getting the first 3 phases of 5 done on my project. I will be coming back when that is complete. As I said that should be in 3 months to my best estimation. This to me is not a resolution. It is a goal that will be completed. I make goals and complete them. I will be available through DM. Always willing to help. I am not going to be social(not that I have been). I will reply to messages. I will not be reaching out to anyone at this time that I otherwise have a set obligation. I want to give this as explanation. I will not be giving any details about the project at this time. When I come back I will go through progression of it.
This is very important to me. I hope that you understand this time that I need to get myself together. I hope you understand that I care for each and every person in my life. I feel that I'm not a very good friend right now. I would rather know that I can fully be available. I hate to say I can be there when really I'm not capable right now. I hope that beginning of the New Year for you is fruitful. I am thinking about you. Again I am here if anyone would want to say "Hi" just message me.
Thanks,
Kandi
Kandi, Greg and Girls
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Adrift: Dealing with Mental Illness
I find more and more that there is a severe lack of knowledge of mental illness. We have a certain mentality that the person dealing with it needs to just get over themselves. I wouldn't tell a diabetic that. I wouldn't tell someone who was severely injured that they should just walk it off. Yet as a society we tend to get irritated with mentally ill. We can't see their injury. It makes it rough. I can tell you they have an injury. They have an illness. It isn't something you can see. It is there. We tell them that they should just spend more time relaxing. They shouldn't be taking medication. Can you imagine going up to a diabetic and telling them not to take the insulin that is crucial to them? Now you are thinking it is not the same thing. It is in mental illness. They get lost in their heads. Stuck. Adrift. Medication needs to improve for sure. However, it is the difference between having a raft or being swallowed up by an ocean.
I have a young child dealing with mental illness. We were not wanting to put her on medication. We were in that ocean, swimming. It was okay. We were keeping are heads above water. It was hard. She required supervision at all times. I mean you did not leave her in a room alone. She went under. She did this all on her own you see. Dived deep. I was able to pull her to safety but that was enough to know that I needed to do something and fast. It wasn't something you soon forget. We got our first piece of wood. We are hanging on too it. We are going along wading in the ocean. We start getting further out. We have some waves. It is hard to keep afloat with just a piece of wood. She is having a hard time hanging on. We can see it. We are trying our best. We know that it will not be long until we have to build something stronger for her. Then she goes under again. It is worse than before. I'm weak from wading and injured. This will not do. I make the decision that we need a raft not just a piece of wood. I don't regret getting this raft for my daughter. She hasn't had an incident in quite some time. We could have lost her if it were not for the Grace of God. Truly a miracle. We think that we have things completely under control. However, it is by Grace that things work out. We are given doctors and medicine. I am truly blessed that my daughter is with us. Here is the thing I know without that raft she will be swallowed. I will not regret building it. If you are suffering from mental illness and are trying to fight to stay afloat, it's okay to build a raft. It's okay to take the proper medication for it.
We want to be strong. Physical strength is one thing but mental weakness it's a taboo. However, we often see in history that those who suffered in this made beautiful things. We can look back at people who made art, music, and wrote. These people suffered from mental illness. How many had an untimely death? Their legacy is in their work. We all get gifts. We all have talents. We all have weakness. Imagine if they were able to ride that ocean a little longer. It is often those who are the weakest that have the most to contribute. We need to give them the tools to get them to the other side. I'm just a mother. I know my daughter for some reason has been given chances to continue. I will make sure she has her raft. Whatever she is meant to do, it will be done.
I have a young child dealing with mental illness. We were not wanting to put her on medication. We were in that ocean, swimming. It was okay. We were keeping are heads above water. It was hard. She required supervision at all times. I mean you did not leave her in a room alone. She went under. She did this all on her own you see. Dived deep. I was able to pull her to safety but that was enough to know that I needed to do something and fast. It wasn't something you soon forget. We got our first piece of wood. We are hanging on too it. We are going along wading in the ocean. We start getting further out. We have some waves. It is hard to keep afloat with just a piece of wood. She is having a hard time hanging on. We can see it. We are trying our best. We know that it will not be long until we have to build something stronger for her. Then she goes under again. It is worse than before. I'm weak from wading and injured. This will not do. I make the decision that we need a raft not just a piece of wood. I don't regret getting this raft for my daughter. She hasn't had an incident in quite some time. We could have lost her if it were not for the Grace of God. Truly a miracle. We think that we have things completely under control. However, it is by Grace that things work out. We are given doctors and medicine. I am truly blessed that my daughter is with us. Here is the thing I know without that raft she will be swallowed. I will not regret building it. If you are suffering from mental illness and are trying to fight to stay afloat, it's okay to build a raft. It's okay to take the proper medication for it.
We want to be strong. Physical strength is one thing but mental weakness it's a taboo. However, we often see in history that those who suffered in this made beautiful things. We can look back at people who made art, music, and wrote. These people suffered from mental illness. How many had an untimely death? Their legacy is in their work. We all get gifts. We all have talents. We all have weakness. Imagine if they were able to ride that ocean a little longer. It is often those who are the weakest that have the most to contribute. We need to give them the tools to get them to the other side. I'm just a mother. I know my daughter for some reason has been given chances to continue. I will make sure she has her raft. Whatever she is meant to do, it will be done.
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Letters to special needs parents 7 (a series)
Dear Special Needs Parents,
Remember that day that your child was first diagnosed? Has anyone ever asked you that question and you immediately give them a date? I do. I say 12/20/2010. Like a birth date, anniversary or death. It was day that marked a change in our family. You have these expectations for your children. You dream of what they could be. You think about all the events that they will go through. The memories of your life intertwined; a more perfected reality for your child. In one crashing blow that dream shatters like a mirror. You are faced with a new one. This new reality is a challenge beyond what you thought possible. However, looking back it made me who I am now. I don't remember that me. The one before Autism. The one who had those expectations that were mine, not hers anyway. They certainly were not God's plan for her. We as special needs parents very early in our child's life is that there is no set plan. There is no expectation placed so heavily on our children. We want progress. We want them to excel. However, it is a very different sort of reality. We get to be proud of them for the very little things. We get to celebrate all the little things that are just expected. We get to have joy for them showing affection. We get to dance with them in their over abounding zest for life.
It was 8 years ago that we were introduced to Autism. I knew what it was. In the same sense I didn't have a clue. I had been living with it for 3 years and was oblivious to it. What I know now I could of said my daughter was autistic very early. She was my first born. I just thought this was how it was. I was not good enough for her maybe? Sometimes that little nagging fear creeps up. Sharon has always dealt with a severe lack of communication. It is very difficult to figure out what is going on sometimes. When she was diagnosed with Autism it was mixture of feelings. It wasn't all bad. It was relief, grief, lots of worry and determination. I know that I'm not the only one who deals with emotional roller coaster. Especially on those bad days. On days like this when you are reminded of the journey from there to here.
We have been through a lot in 8 years. We have met some amazing people. People who work hard to make people's lives better. We have learned more in these 8 years than in our previous 20+. It isn't that it takes a special person to raise a special needs child. It is the child that inspires those around them to be better to be special too. We think of people who are not neurotypical as having something missing. However, it is just that they have something else to offer. I never knew 8 years ago that I needed to learn that something else. Today I would tell you without a doubt that it is needed. I need Sharon's absolute joy. I need her singing and her dancing. I need her to be just the way she is.
Blessings,
Kandi
Remember that day that your child was first diagnosed? Has anyone ever asked you that question and you immediately give them a date? I do. I say 12/20/2010. Like a birth date, anniversary or death. It was day that marked a change in our family. You have these expectations for your children. You dream of what they could be. You think about all the events that they will go through. The memories of your life intertwined; a more perfected reality for your child. In one crashing blow that dream shatters like a mirror. You are faced with a new one. This new reality is a challenge beyond what you thought possible. However, looking back it made me who I am now. I don't remember that me. The one before Autism. The one who had those expectations that were mine, not hers anyway. They certainly were not God's plan for her. We as special needs parents very early in our child's life is that there is no set plan. There is no expectation placed so heavily on our children. We want progress. We want them to excel. However, it is a very different sort of reality. We get to be proud of them for the very little things. We get to celebrate all the little things that are just expected. We get to have joy for them showing affection. We get to dance with them in their over abounding zest for life.
It was 8 years ago that we were introduced to Autism. I knew what it was. In the same sense I didn't have a clue. I had been living with it for 3 years and was oblivious to it. What I know now I could of said my daughter was autistic very early. She was my first born. I just thought this was how it was. I was not good enough for her maybe? Sometimes that little nagging fear creeps up. Sharon has always dealt with a severe lack of communication. It is very difficult to figure out what is going on sometimes. When she was diagnosed with Autism it was mixture of feelings. It wasn't all bad. It was relief, grief, lots of worry and determination. I know that I'm not the only one who deals with emotional roller coaster. Especially on those bad days. On days like this when you are reminded of the journey from there to here.
We have been through a lot in 8 years. We have met some amazing people. People who work hard to make people's lives better. We have learned more in these 8 years than in our previous 20+. It isn't that it takes a special person to raise a special needs child. It is the child that inspires those around them to be better to be special too. We think of people who are not neurotypical as having something missing. However, it is just that they have something else to offer. I never knew 8 years ago that I needed to learn that something else. Today I would tell you without a doubt that it is needed. I need Sharon's absolute joy. I need her singing and her dancing. I need her to be just the way she is.
Blessings,
Kandi
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