Leah in the process of going through this time went through lows. She had times when she was even. She had times when she was in deep depression. We made adjustments as she went though this process. It came clear that the direct that we were taking was wrong.
Autistics in general do not like change. Transitions are very difficult. In this time that seemed all there was for Leah. We had to make a huge change with quarantine. We changed what we were doing with school. We had to readjust when that was not working. We made adjustments with medications. Also made adjustments for therapy. It was a walking nightmare for Leah.
She let us know that she was in a nightmare. She didn't do much as use words. Communication is hard as well. Her behavior was erratic. It was impulsive. Her words became sharp and meant to sting. Absolutely no one was exempted in this wrath. She had the worst for her sister. It was easier because there was little resistance coming back. On the piggie back of this was her overwhelming guilt. She herself did not understand her lashing out. She felt terribly guilty. Hence these bouts lead to her not wanting to live. Nearly everyday she would discuss her desire for this.
We had no idea one day or the next what Leah was going to do. Towards the end it was just me and my husband that was available to watch Leah. Although I tried to inquire for another respite worker it was not available to us. Sometimes I had to have Sharon or Leah sit with Daddy at work. The clinics don't allow siblings in appointments. We have a lot of those. Leah's behavior was not to be left with someone who at least had a decent idea. Even at that it was still is risky. She had times when she would run. She would hide in the most odd places.She once camouflaged in a cow costume in the closet. Luckily, I had a mind for these places. We've had to restraint her several times.
It was my Birthday. Sharon had camp that was available for teens. Leah didn't qualify due to her age. We only have some options as a neurodiverse family. We have to have extra support. Most camps don't provide that. So we have about 2 or 3 choices in our area. They did not fit in our schedule. I did get Leah in an art camp for a week. Also art lessons. On this particular day I lost all control of Leah. I had an appointment that I had to cancel. I had to just wait out Leah so that we could go home. I was exhausted and defeated. I was ready to look for an inpatient facility. Still not sure if that was a right decision. It would mostly be out of state. It would be more of a sedition and hold. Rather than a productive time.
I sent Leah to her room that day. I sent an email to her team. I called my mother and cried. I cried for the pain Leah was in. I cried for the pain I was in. We both decided that I needed to take control for her. That I needed to start a behavioral boot camp of my own. I needed to drive the bus.
Leah and I hit rock bottom that day. I refused to lose one more second. I started what I referred to as boot camp that day. That day we rose from the valley. The next in the series is Rising Up.
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