During this time I spent almost all of my time in thought. If I wasn't with Leah I was thinking about Leah. I was thinking about what the past. Refecting what got us to this point. What could I have done differently? Was there more help that I could have gotten her? What am I missing in this puzzle? Where do we go from here?
Special needs parents are always questioning their decision. It's a natural occurrence. We have no basis to go by. Thus when a problem occurs surely it was a mistake that was made on our part. I delved into my memory. Consulted her team about some of her past issues. I brutally beat myself for tiny things. Realized that in fact I couldn't have done things different. I made decisions based off circumstances. Those decisions were the right ones at the time. Are they right ones for her now? No. I had to evolve. That is what I concluded
I have had Leah in many therapies. During Covid some were just discontinued. She wanted to participate in them. It was hard for her to understand. I also wanted to look for another options that would help her in her new stage that she found herself in. However, during the Covid period Mental Health became a luxury not essential. Which with everything that I am I will tell you Mental Health is extremely essential. This lack of availability to help my daughter made me angry. I'm not one to get angry. However, I was and am livid.
I knew that in the middle of all this I still am missing information. I started trying to find similar examples of Leah. I talked to a very close friend daily. The closest to Leah. They are the most helpful in my opinion. The best thing a parent can possibly do is talk to an autistic adult. They are logical and can give information that your child can't at least not yet. Also I have read up on bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder. However, these are all based on brains that are neurotypical. Where does that leave Leah? She is autistic. Completely different brain type. This was a puzzle to me. I concluded there should be a more nuerodiverse DSM.
Where do I go from here? This was a question that took me down a long path. We had to hit bottom before we went up. We were in a deep valley. However, during this time that valley got pretty low. We only had a few people that kept us from sinking in the quicksand. I really am thankful for that.
Also in this reflection I want to make note of what love is. Love doesn't falter. It doesn't walk away. It abides in the darkest of times. It remembers that a bright light will surely come. When love is present victory will be gained. With that in mind, on to Rock Bottom.
No comments:
Post a Comment