Letter to special needs parents 5 (a series)

Dear Special Needs Parents,
                   
             I was in a therapy session today. We were going over some of Leah's past experiences. I don't like going over them. Things come rushing back like a waterfall over my head. In a blinding rush of emotion. I think about the times that we had to rush her to the hospital not knowing if she would make it. Then the other times that her life flashed in front of my eyes in mere seconds as she would dash out in traffic or in a parking lot. Already 8 and brushed death more times than I can count on at least one hand. Those times, I felt in the moment so helpless. I felt like I had no control. Do you have times like these. Is your child medically critical? Is their behavior so impulsive that a second could change everything?
            We had four times where her blood sugar was so low that it would have been 30 minutes at the most before her body would shut down. I have had her run. She is super fast when she is angry. Like unbelievable fast. She has run into traffic in a parking lot or a busy street enough to drive me to panic in a parking lot. Parking lots scare me to death. I've had one time where I was on crutches unable to catch her. Unable to save her. Luckily her Grandma reached her just in time. It would have been over in 10 seconds. A dark very busy street just a little bitty thing darting. The thought just gives me terror even now two years later. It was two years ago. You better believe I helicopter like mad. I am unapologetic about it too. I don't want to let her out of my sight.
            The blood sugar thing was never really technically figured out. We do know she has somewhat of a hard time maintaining sugar levels even today. She will go into her night fast and wake in the morning throwing up. Ketones already trying to supplement her sugar supply. She gets into cycle vomiting that will send us to the ER. However, we haven't seen low blood sugar for nearly 2 years. We watch it like a hawk. We found that cornstarch helps maintain her levels. She is also taking medicine for stomach migraine that helps with vomiting. We really never know when these cycles will happen. It is very random and without warning. You just know that the end of it is the ER.
           The impulsive behavior is another matter all together. When she was 4 I had the resolve to not medicate her. I thought she was too young to be put on something. It took just seconds for me to change my mind. Seconds. I was in a parking lot. A very busy one. I lost my grip, she took off running. I got her right before she got to the really busy part. A car barely missing her. As soon as we were in the car, I made a call. Leah is fine about ninety percent of the time. It is the ten percent that we do not know what she is going to do with. These are times that you have to be alert and ready to protect her from...her.
            It is hard for me to reflect on these things. I know that I have to in some way get over them. I shouldn't be afraid of a parking lot. Do I have time to deal with these feelings? I just act. I just move on. When I think about them I can feel my heart beating fast, my breath quicken like I'm back in it. However, by the Grace of God Leah is still with us. Sound asleep, safe in her bed. Knowing that whatever panic I can dream up, God has the Grace to supply another day. I also can rejoice in the fact that I do not dwell in most cases. I most of the time take action. I most of time decide what needs to be done to prevent. I breathe and think tomorrow 'tis a new day.  I'm not all the way there in knowing everything about Leah. God does. I know that He gifted me her. Maybe not for me to strengthen her. Maybe she is to strengthen me. Maybe I'm suppose to hit my knees at these times and come to Him. Let Him have it. I write this as a way to work it out in my own mind. But just maybe someone feels the way I do.
Blessings,
Kandi