My Motivation

    I have written about a lot of things. Weight loss, autism, loss, pain, and grace. I want to take the time for Mothers Day to write about what first motivated me. I didn't truly believe in God until I was about 25 or 26. Until then it was finding something in this world that would keep me going. I will tell you that was hard. It was hard to deal with pain on a daily basis with no hope. Fortunately, God always had a hand in my life. He gave me something that kept me going through my teenage years: A Mother.
     I was 11 when migraines hit me. I would miss 2-3 days of school a week. I was physically sick during that time. Could not eat or drink during the headache. The only thing they had to give me for the pain was narcotics. That was the technology at the time. They found out later that narcotics are the worst thing for migraines. I knew what was ahead. My grandma had them and I had gotten them from her. She still got them. It was very, very difficult for me. I became very angry. I didn't know it at the time but I was extremely angry for having this affliction. It had became a routine for me to go to the pill bottle, and contemplate taking them all. It was one thing that really stopped me. I really didn't want to be that for my mother. I would play out the grieve that my mother would have. I could not do that to her. So I would take what I needed and fought the next day. It is still the same in a sense today.
   I still have pain. It is still a struggle. It is a lot easier than it was. I know that what strength that I do not have God gives it to me. I hardly think about the pain that is a constant in my life. I have been given the Grace to let that go. Every once in a while I will get overwhelmed by it. It does not consume me like it did when I was younger. I am not dealing with it. I am going to do the things I need to do. I may be weak, but He is strong. It really is the difference.  I wish I could say that in and of myself that I could handle things. The truth is that I can't. I wouldn't know where to begin to handle half the stuff that happens with my physical body. Let alone the other things that go on outside of that. My experiences have aloud me to know things. I am no longer angry. I feel content that the things that happen in my life are making me stronger and more equipped.
  One of the things about being someone's child is along the way you want to be what they expected. I didn't want to disappoint my mother. I wake up in the morning and I still don't want to disappoint her. I want to be the person that she intended me to be. It wasn't that she had these over blown expectations. She wanted me to be happy, responsible, respectful and loving. She wasn't expecting me to be a billionaire or be famous. She wanted me to make a life for myself. I am happy. I try everyday to be responsible respectful and loving. If I am not I know that I can try again tomorrow. Another thing about my mother she is extremely patient. She would wait for us to realize or mistakes.
  When I had my first child I named her after my mother. After all in a way I wouldn't have gotten past my teenage years without her. I wouldn't of had a chance to have a child. I thought to myself if I am half the mother that she is, we will be okay. I am not the person my mother is by any means. Obviously she has faults as well. I am not going to say that I had a perfect mother. I know that she was perfect for me. I hope I am that for my children.