I wanted to post about unwanted behaviors. Essentially there are good behaviors and bad behaviors. Sometimes when we talk about behavior we are referring to bad but there are good. It is important to label the behavior for what it is. So I have been told by the countless behavior therapists I have encountered. Like being able to put on ones shirt. That is a good behavior. A desired behavior. However, throwing that shirt across the room because we can't put it on is an unwanted behavior. I will be addressing the unwanted behaviors in this post.
Now in a typical child you have one or two obstacles to tackle in unwanted behaviors: the desire to do as one wants, and or the inability to do the task. Simple to tackle depending on how stubborn the individual is can be trained. Of course, no human is perfect so will not be able to obey all the time. Now let me address the Autism spectrum kiddo who by all means tend to follow directions far better. The break down is the communication. What means something to the communicator means something completely different to the one receiving the message. Spectrum individuals tend to think in pictures. So they try and picture what you're saying. For instance you say don't kick. Ok what can they picture from those words? That is right, kick. They can picture somebody kicking. Immediately that child is going to kick. Instead a "No" should suffice. And forget the shaking of the head. That is something they can't picture or understand either. In general, by the way every child on the spectrum is different. The communication issues is a common problem area.
Ok so the communication is a big issues got it. That is what actually causes like 80% of the unwanted behaviors. These kids can't tell you what they want. Sometimes Sharon is really thirsty. She can't communicate that feeling. So she gets upset that she is thirsty. Sometimes she will say something off the wall that will indicate. But I usually can't decode before she gets really frustrated. An example would be "My pants hurt". That was cue for me to take her to the potty. I was in fact too late. She was being very erratic before that. However, I did not pick up on it. So it is very important for a parent whose child is on the spectrum to question what is this unwanted behavior for? What are they trying to tell me. Because as I said 80% of the time it is trying to tell you something. Because they are not the greatest with the words even if they are verbal. So the question is do you discipline these behaviors? They are behaving badly surely you would discipline that child? And you at this point have figured out that indeed they were trying to communicate something to you. The answer is NO. The only time you discipline this behavior is in fact they are delivering physical harm. And that would have to be handled with caution. You would not discipline an individual who is deaf that is using their hands to communicate their needs. And these children are doing the same thing. Our job as parents and caregivers is giving them a different way to express that need.
Going along with the communication issue you have repetitive unwanted behavior. Any behavior can become repetitive and repetitive in itself can be unwanted. Washing ones hands is a desired behavior. Washing ones hands 20 times is an unwanted behavior. Than there are the unwanted repetitive behaviors. Or scripted behavior, which is a scene played out over and over. Not all spectrum kiddos are scripters, however, mine is. With scripters you have the issue of even the discipline becoming part of the script. So you repeat the unwanted behavior to have the same discipline done over and over. What are parents told? Consistency. Our kids love that. Even if they don't like that discipline part of the script they love the script even more. The parent is now in a vicious cycle with their child. I had to ignore the unwanted behavior numerous times to get out of the cycle. Even though it goes against every traditional parental practice. However, for Sharon ignoring her unwanted behavior is best medicine at times. Even walking out of the room. Repetitive behavior is hard. You mostly have to redirect into a different activity. And it is going to come back. This is a battle that is will be something that will be fought. Sometimes lost and sometimes won. Here is the thing. We don't want our kiddos becoming adults and taking an hour and half to get out the door because they have to repeat things 80 times. Fight the battle it is worth winning.
I'm going to give you the biggest obstacle for disciplining unwanted behaviors in autistic children. They...do...not...generalize. That is right. You think you have an issue taken care of. You had practiced it over and over again. But you are at church now. They do that unwanted behavior. You are livid about ready to flip a lid. However, you did not teach them at church. You did not tell them not to do it at church. Or practiced it at church. No rather you just assumed that the child would generalize it to the church setting. A typical child would in fact do that. An autistic child will not. Let us take another example you spent years getting your child not to get into drawers. Not to touch the stove. Not to go out that door when Mama and Dad are not with them. Then you have the bright idea to move. All of a sudden the kid is getting into everything and trying to leave. You are pulling out your hair. What is going on? They know the rules!!! Wrong! They knew the rules for THAT house. You'll have to start over. That is a BIG problem. What is really hard is not to get frustrated because that is a skill very much present in a typical person. And it is hard to imagine not being able to do that. But it is something that has to be skillfully taught to an autistic person.
There are many other things involving unwanted behavior that can interfere in successful parenting practices. However, these are the main three. In a typical household and by all means I am guessing because mine is not, you would generally in spend 20-40% training. In a spectrum household you spend about 70-90% training. In the typical household the child already has skills ingrained. Less time is spent on that. It is hard work that is put in to find solutions. Solutions can be found that is the main point.
My message to the autistic parent: continue to work to find a workable solution. Tackle things one at a time. You have multiple issues that you have to deal with. Take one tackle that. Then hop on the next one. And by all means hop on the one you feel is the most pressing. Don't feel like you fail your child. As long as you get up in the morning and try you are succeeding. Know that Christ is your strength! That He will strengthen you through the meltdowns and the bad days. Because Lord knows we have many! Lastly and above all my AUsome families you have been given the most precious of gifts. Don't take for granted. You have been given the Grace of not being able to hide the dirt. There is no hiding the human in your family. The fallen nature in your family. That is so so great!!!! Now you can focus on leaning on Christ for all things instead if yourselves! So do that because we obviously can't do it all!
To the typical family: I hope this was a helpful understanding an autistic childs behavior. I'm not a behavior expert but I'm a parent who deals with it. We realize our children are behaving badly usually in the most inopportune times. It is probably in public where they are having issues with the amount of people or an unfamiliar environment. It is important to remember that an autistic can't be a typical child. They will not be able to display the same behavior as your child. It is important to understand that while they look like a typical child and yes do the same things as a typical child they are completely different. It really is hard for me as well as any other parent to explain it to someone efficiently. Also take note that these parents that have the child who might be currently going wakado are fully aware. There is no advice you can give. While you are relaxing watching your night time shows or enjoying your weekend. We are going to conferences. We are reading books. We are trying to find the best way to make our child a productive adult just like you are. Not that you do not do that. It just takes more time for us because after all they require a little more help. So next time you see a child in the super market or the store and think that kid needs a spanking. Think maybe that kid is autistic. Because 9 out of 10 times I see meltdowns in the supermarket and I can tell you it is an autistic kid. And they are overloaded with everything that is going on. They are telling their parent lets leave! But sometimes you have to finish shopping!
In conclusion let us all pray for comfort in this world for it is not our home. And for the autistic person they are more aware of that. There is nobody that senses that more then that. Maybe that is not such a bad thing. We get comfortable with our surroundings and think this place is not so bad. It is not so for an autistic. Everything has to be adapted to the way they think. They have to adapt. That is not easy. It is vital in every child to install the gospel. To make them aware of God's love. But an Autistic child let them know that home is where Jesus is.
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